Archive for October, 2015

tetris

October 30, 2015

Normally there’s a few days of hormonal catastrophe in my brain and body every month. Usually it manifests itself in a few ways, but always the same order. A day of a manic high and a day or two of deep sadness and disconnectedness. Everything in life sucks and should be changed. IMMEDIATELY. These are the days I cry in my cube and all my male co-workers are cringing and wondering what to do. I have written on my calendar before (because I can predict which day will be the worst – thank you 28 day oral contraceptive) to not make any decisions on this day. Just don’t. Because I would change everything. Job, living situation, relationships with people. This is the only time I argue with co-workers too… unwarranted… well, slightly warranted. I still need SOME provocation.

Anyway… this month I am too high on life to dip into something sad. Instead it manifested in anxiety. I had to calm my nerves about EVERYTHING. My schedule. My exercise routines. My diet. My lack of diet. My bank account. I had things planned for every day this week. I usually do this. And I like it this way. I’ll go out with friends. I’ll spend a little here. a little there. This is routine. I live fine this way. Basically, this is no different from normal. But I freaked out about how I was spending SO MUCH. AND EATING TOO MUCH. AND OMG I NEED A WORKOUT! And isn’t it time to put in a 60 day notice if I need to find a new place if I can’t secure the same rate for rent? I knew that come January my rent was going up by $200. This was FOR SURE a stress point. I hated the thought of moving. But I HATED the thought of spending SO MUCH MONEY ON MY RENT!

Tuesday: I got a great workout in. I decided last week I was going to start a new Strength training routine and some HIIT on the treadmill. And it was a fantastic workout. Kicked some serious ass. (still anxious) Then I showered and met up with my good friend for our annual haunted houses together. We met for drinks (ugh calories) first and he said, “Hey, I forgot I owe you some cash for that event you paid for last month.” OH YEAH! So not only did he buy my drinks, he bought me my haunted house entry fees for the night. SCORE! (still anxious)

Wednesday: I went home to cook up some lunch because a) fewer calories that way. b) less money that way. I came home to a note on my door that was offering a Thanksgiving special on my rent. If I re-upped my lease by November 15 I could secure my current rate. HALLELUJAH! (way less anxious!!!)

Thursday: I have a friend that I ALWAYS see scary movies with. And specifically we have watched every single paranormal activity together in theater. So naturally, we HAD to see the fourth one. Tradition is to get food and beer before hand. She can’t handle the scary without the beer. So I’m still anxious about eating too much, and drinking my calories, and paying for the whole night. She ended up inviting her new boyfriend…. who apparently wants to be her sugar daddy. Ha. Congrats to her, right? Anyway. She asked if I wanted to split a meal. YES! (half the calories, big big fan) A N D her boyfriend picked up the check!

After all that all I paid for all week was 1 movie ticket. I literally swiped my debit card once this week. Anxiety GONE! Everything felt all lined up this week. I like to think I work my calendar like Tetris. It’s probably some weird control issue I have. But also, we have a God that likes to play Tetris too. Sometimes things just line up so dang perfectly!

Happy Friday, all!

released

October 28, 2015

Things with Andy are amazing. I can’t believe how much I feel for someone so quickly.

I spoke with Sir T about my struggles about keeping them both. It was becoming harder and harder to be intimate with Sir T because it felt like that part should be saved for only Andy. I know, this is my monogamous conditioning… but it’s how I feel… And no matter how right or wrong it is on anyone’s spectrum, I have to follow my own feelings and my own “right”.

We talked about this for about a week. Going over options. Educating me a bit more on the different types of love. Giving me tools to make up my own mind. No matter the outcome of the discussions it always came down to this: Andy IS monogamous. I can’t expect him to be okay with this for too much long. Also, my goal in life is a husband and kids. How will that work with my other *hobbies*?

I was feeling like this kink part of me was becoming a selfish part of me.

After several hours of conversation Sir T released me from his reign. He released me.

😦

There is so much more to it. It’s so hard to explain this huge bond I was developing with Sir T. It feels stronger than gravity. How do you defy gravity? What have I done here? He made cry with him. He is so good at knowing what is better for me. My own way would be to leave quickly, get in my car, and sob like a baby while I drive. My car… that’s my crying space. But he kept me there… holding me while I let it out. Making sure I knew he loved me and that I knew it was okay. That he still wants to be apart of my life. Soothing my fears of him hating me for not being able to be poly.

Over the next few days I couldn’t get over the urges to check in. While I was entirely relieved that I was only committed to one man, I felt a bit on the lost side. This is so crazy. I don’t understand how I can have such a strong bond with people in such a short time. It’s as if Sir T brainwashed me in the best way. But he didn’t realize that in doing so he was the one to open me up to Andy. He was the one that put me in a place to fully walk into this new amazing relationship.

About this brainwashing… For the first time in my life I feel pretty. I feel sexy. And I don’t feel fat. Let me say that again, because I promise you didn’t feel how big that is. I don’t feel fat! Consistently. As in… I look in the mirror and my body image is becoming less and less of an issue. How and when the hell did THIS happen??? I can’t get over what Sir T has given me. I will never get over it. I will always be in amazement over it. How did he know exactly how to get me to this place? He was so much more than some kinky partner. He was my life coach. He was my protector. He was who I sought for advice. I was so open with him. And he rewarded me for it.

I’ve spoken to him since the release… and he wants to get together to talk about possible options with us and possibly continuing our relationship with different boundaries set up. Boundaries that allow me to feel faithful to Andy and still have this part of me living… I have so much to think about.

belt or leash?

October 23, 2015

There’s are particular fetish I don’t quite understand. I mean… there’s a lot of fucked up shit out there… that I’m pretty easily not gonna judge. And when I say fucked up… I don’t mean any more fucked up than me. I’d never NOT put myself in this category… especially when it comes to sexual preferences.

But the whole pet thing. I don’t get it. Tails. Leashes. Its… not sexy to me. I know, I know. to each his own. Most people don’t go all water fall over being choked and whipped either… :-\ I am quite open minded because of this.

So… with all this being said here’s what happened one night.

Sir is getting in the habit of putting a belt around my neck during most scenes. I’m very happy about this as it took a while for him to incorporate breath play at all.

But last time he took the end of the belt and said, “Let’s go to the bedroom.” So I do what I would normally do. I stand up and take a step. He immediately reminds me I haven’t been told to get up. So… I’m on all fours. Crawling. Towards the bedroom. Him holding the end of the belt… the leash. A LEASH!? What just happened. I’m internally battling this. I don’t like this. I’m sure it’s written on my face. When i’m in scene I turn off my filters. I react. It’s the only time I get to do this. This is why I LOVE BDSM. I get to drop all the facades. I am hating this moment. He slows down. Great, now I have to be led like a dog for an even longer time. Then he pulls the belt tighter… and lower. and he puts his lips to my ear while putting extra pressure on my neck. He says things to me. I don’t remember them. I just know that I’m being turned on. And I’m still hating it. And I stop hating it. And I’m his pet… What. just. happened?!

He commanded me to get on the bed and let go of the leash. The leash instantly morphs back into a belt. I’m his sub again.

I can’t stop thinking about this moment. I’m confused the most because it’s all of a sudden not that weird. And I get it.

fun for a sadist

October 21, 2015

In the middle of a movie he takes off his belt. Sets it next to him on my couch.

For most men when the belt comes off it’s like a woman taking off her bra. It’s the release of a day. It’s getting cozy and comfy and retreating to the blissful end of day.

When a sadist takes off his belt… It’s never about comfy and cozy. It’s methodical. You can bet that belt choice was made before leaving the house with knowledge of its dual purpose.

So, Sir takes off his belt and sets it aside. I take note. But my attention span isn’t that great. I get lost in the movie within minutes. I lay my head on his lap, which I don’t normally do, but it felt right.

He starts to pet me. I love being pet. It’s a turn on. It’s calming. It’s one of those things that always make me want more. I always find myself silently begging when I’m being pet. Hair, down my side, hips…. all my favorite spots over and over again. He loops his belt around my neck. Pulled taught, but not adding pressure yet. But this is enough for me to go from silent begging to a complete change in breathing. I know he notices that. It’s why he did it. Nothing is on accident. The petting continued.

I don’t remember if we finished the movie. He switches from petting to pulling the belt tight around my neck. I’m in sensory heaven. I love that feeling in my head when the oxygen is cut off. My whole body reacts. I’m instantly desperate for everything. I just want more. Of anything.

He stands me up. He always takes his time taking off my clothes. I’m getting use to this part of the routine. Its the only constant from scene to scene. He pulls my shirt off. Takes off my bra. The belt still hanging from my neck. He unzips my jeans. Pushes them down. I step out of them. He puts my hands in cuffs… and connects those cuffs to a spreader bar laying across the back of my neck. He takes the hanging belt and fastens it to the bar too. Clamps my nipples. Shoves my face into the couch, forcing my knees to the ground.

His phone starts ringing… I hate reality checks during scenes. hate hate hate. I wanna stay gone. But then I realize he is the one making the call… on speaker! Wait… VIDEO CALL??? I am pulled out of this scene hard!

It’s his best friend… she’s also a sub… not his. “I thought you forgot about me!?” She was in bed waiting on his call. ha. They planned a chit chat in the middle of our scene?? Talk about a sadist. He’s laughing at me. I haven’t met this girl yet. So… hello lady… yes, these are nipple clamps. and yeah, my forehead is stuck to the couch… Don’t mind this pretty little belt on my neck… Glad I could meet you and you could see me naked all in the same moment. To be fair, she pulls out a boob too. Why thank you. She’s actually really cute. Dark hair. Dark eyes. She didn’t really acknowledge the peculiar state I was in. Gotta love fellow kinksters.

He randomly cuts off my oxygen as they continue the conversation – making sure to aim the camera at my face… as I can’t help but react – because it’s what I do when my oxygen is being played with.

Sometimes a scene is sexy…. and sometimes it’s just sadist-y.

catharsis

October 19, 2015

I had a really emotional week. Family things going on. Personal things going on. It was effecting my sleep. My mood. Everything. Through the week Sir kept asking if he should come over. Scene with me. I told him not to worry about it. I didn’t want to disturb his schedule. I could handle things. It’s what I do. Not well, but I do it alone. I didn’t realize how stubborn I was being. Here’s a man who wanted to help. He wanted to take care of me. He wanted to at least be the shoulder I cried on… And I just kept pushing that away all week.

Our date was scheduled for Saturday night. I was ready. Something about the week tho… being so thrown off. I knew tears would be close. I did my normal primp prep. Pedicure, nails, eyebrows, shave, shower, lotion… It’s my calming ritual.

Before the play date began, we had been invited to a vetting. This is where members of certain kink groups meet you and basically pass you off in order to be invited to play parties. I was nervous. But it went well. It was intimidating, but I didn’t ever feel overwhelmed. The leaders of the group were great. There was something so inviting and charming about those ladies. I spoke to one who told me she was a sub… my jaw dropped (in my head; physically I stayed composed). She was so vibrant. Commanding. Calming. Surely she was all Domme. Nope. I spoke with Sir about this later. Subs go through phases. The right Dom pulls out the confidence of his sub. Strengthens her. I totally see that. I get it. What a beautiful thought!

Anyway, back at my apartment I put Sammie in his kennel (he doesn’t like when mommy is choked). I went into the bedroom. He stripped me down, but this time he left my bra and panties on. He strapped my ankles to a spreader bar (a first for me). He put a braided leather belt around my neck. He cuffed my hands together. He threw me on the bed and told me how he wanted me. It was impossible to make it to the position he asked for with a spreader bar between my legs. Whoever this was made for was SURELY taller than me. I finally wiggled into place. I’m sure it wasn’t sexy AT ALL. He might have evil-y giggled once. Maybe not. I was really concentrating.

He has two other belts that he takes turns using on me. I love belts. The thud to sting ratio is my favorite. He doesn’t neglect that belt around my neck either. He uses that quite freely. I love it. Breath play: it’s the quickest way to wet in my world. He knows it. He didn’t use this much when we first played. In fact I wondered if he’d ever get to it. But some people – they don’t touch it. It’s dangerous. It’s oxygen. It’s life. I get it. Once he realized it’s effect on me tho… He couldn’t ignore it.

I don’t know how long this went on. But something inside me was being pulled to the surface. I couldn’t have held it back if my life depended on it. I just started sobbing. Not a small sniffle. But huge sobs. Body shaking sobs. Again, not my sexiest night. He was at my side in half a second. I immediately made sure he knew it wasn’t from the pain. But he was a step ahead of me. He coached me through the whole release. Telling me to let it go. Whispering to me the entire time. Stroking my hair. I couldn’t remember when the spreader bar was taken off… was it before or after the break down? But I was still face down, but now my knees were curled under me. I had a hold of his arm. He just kept coaching me through. It was… the most complete catharsis. Not sure how he knew before I did. How does he know things? But this was his intention. He was pushing me over the edge I was so stubbornly clinging to.

at war

October 16, 2015

I’ve had nightmares all week. It’s strange… I don’t remember any details. I just know I was scared and I didn’t enjoy it. All week I’ve been stuck in this level of sleep that doesn’t quite let me rest.

I’m struggling with something. There is something I’m not at ease about. And I know what it is.

Polyamory.

My personal convictions are butting heads with my current situation. My mind is fighting my history. My new views and opinions and experiences are at war with what I’ve known.

Sir keeps saying… it’s my conditioning. And that’s exactly right. We are taught from the moment we are able to enjoy tv shows and cartoons… That one knight with the one princess. It’s so ingrained. SO deeply ingrained that I am not struggling on the surface. I’M A HAPPY GIRL THESE DAYS! I’m not struggling till I’m asleep. This is so crazy. I feel the war going on. And there’s no way to speed up this processing. I just have to deal with it. Go with it. And think through everything as it comes up.

I’m enjoying the opportunity to buck up against the things in life I considered truths. I like questioning things I’ve never considered movable. There’s something about it that feels good. I’m developing me. I’m cultivating my own thoughts and opinions. I’m making up my own mind. It feels amazing. At the same time, it truly is a war. I’m struggling.

In any war, there will be a victor. And to be honest. At this point… I don’t know which side I will go with. But I do know that at the end of the war I’ll be my own person, holding on to my own beliefs, and going through life with a new set of beliefs. My very own caliber of integrity. I love that. And even if the end result is just that I personally can’t do it, I still will have a more open mind to the world and those relationships around me. I’ll have a whole new appreciation.

I love the fact that I can love more than one person. That I can have relationships, one for each of my needs. And that everyone is in harmony with. Everyone knows everything. It’s so freeing. But, I feel the fight. I talk to Andy about Sir. I talk to Sir about Andy… and I constantly fight the urge to lie, or spin the truth, or down play certain things. Why is it so natural to be deceptive? I hope to relearn this especially. To be open about everything. The truth only leads to deeper connections. That’s what I’ve re-learned so far. And there’s nothing regretful about that!

weekend with Andy

October 14, 2015

What an incredible weekend! Everything I felt for Andy before is only intensified. I CANNOT get enough. I dont’ think we spent a total of 20 seconds without touching each other in some form or fashion.

Everything was amazing from snuggling on the couch watching Star Wars to hiking and chilling at the bar with a few of my friends from out of town.

As we were cuddling on Saturday afternoon on my couch I had an overwhelming urge to body worship this man. I’ve NEVER body worshiped anyone or felt this urge before. I wanted to kiss every single spot on this man’s body. Not just to cover him, but to appreciate him. I didn’t ever say this, nor did I fully act on it, but I still can’t get over the sentiment and how powerful an urge it was. Maybe because Sir has been immersing me so much in my submission lately that it is a normal progression to feel. That my submissive side is being triggered by life in general. Even with someone I don’t have a d/s relationship with. This urge was so intense. I wonder if I could do this for him some day…. I kind of wish I would’ve just gone with it. I should’ve.

I am a big fan of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I believe this book has some great points about how we feel loved and instinctively show love. I think a lot of couples are not missing the amount of love it takes to stay together and flourish, but I do believe that there can be a huge displacement of how we show love versus how our partners feel loved. I feel like Andy’s natural way of showing how he cares, by using his words and touch, is 100% compatible with how my “love tank” is filled up. My love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch. Andy is quick to compliment. Quick to verbalize his feelings for me, and like I mentioned above we were constantly touching. I couldn’t have felt more for him if I tried! I know its early and feelings are always butterflies and rainbows at this stage… but I haven’t felt this complete in a long long long long time.

Sir did give me a few rules for the weekend. 1) No fucking in the ass. 2) He wasn’t allowed to cum inside me – in any of me.

This was surprisingly difficult to do. I had to tell Andy the rules, because there is no way I could’ve done that alone. We followed the rules successfully! (I forgot how many towels you can go thru with the pull out method. Ha!) But we managed and it didn’t detract from any of it. The sex was amazing. All of it. Every time. Every moment. I don’t get why having rules turns me on. I don’t understand this at all. But having tasks… putting things on my to-do (and to-don’t) list with Andy… only made me hotter!

Andy LOVED the lingerie. He mentioned it several times over the weekend how much he enjoyed it. “Have to send him a thank you note!” That one made me giggle. He’s so easy going. And open about everything. I asked him again about how he felt about our situation… about me and Sir… to see if any body language betrayed what he was saying. Everything he said felt honest and understanding. I can hardly believe how cool he is being about it.

He left on Sunday afternoon and my feels are still tingling like crazy. I’m loving missing him and longing for him. Feels amazing. I love the “I miss you” texts and full blown conversations about just wanting to be together… I love all of it. I know at some point this longing will become painful and urgent, but right now I’m just basking in the fact that I actually feel this way about someone and that HE DOES TOO!

turtlenecks and tank tops

October 9, 2015

There’s a lady that works on my floor that always wears turtle necks and cardigans no matter what the season. Her hair is always the same length and color. Always down. She wears oversize glasses. If I had to guess she is in her mid-fifties.

And every time I see her all I can think about are the marks she might be covering up… Rope constraint evidence? a collar? teeth marks? day old bruises mixed with week old ones? Does she EVER get a break? Does she want a break? If for no other reason than to throw on a tank top!

lingerie shopping

October 8, 2015

Sir: Going to go Lingerie shopping. Just letting you know

me: Oooooh ok. on Tuesday. Mentally preparing already!

Sir: You shouldn’t have to. You should know I will use my best judgment and you will BE confident in my decisions.

me: Yes, sir.

Sir: Did I not do good with the dress?

me: I loved your dress pick! I do trust you.

Sir: Good… good.

So I had a mini panic attack, like I did when he said he wanted to put me in a dress. I hate that my body image makes thinking about this less enjoyable. I’ve never gotten myself lingerie before. The only time I’ve received lingerie was from my lingerie shower before I got married.

I get home from work on Tuesday filled with energy… so I start making dinner. Thinking that Sir could either eat it or I’d have it for lunch tomorrow. I wasn’t quite sure what his dinner plans were for us, if any. He gets off work a little later than I do and in the next town over. Less than an hour later he walks into my apartment just as I’m completely finished. He’s pleased to find food upon his arrival. My subbie-self is happy he’s pleased.

Any way, we finish up and head out. I am aware that I became less and less chatty as we approach the mall. Ugh. My nerves are eating at me. We get out of the car… he’s telling a story of his first ski trip and I’m trying to participate. We walk into the mall, and the mall smell hits me. I feel like all malls smell the exact same way. I hate shopping so this association does not help my nerves at all. In fact as a child I’d come home from every shopping trip throwing up from a migraine. Going to the mall with my mom and 4 siblings was NEVER a quick trip. Awful, awful and alllll day. And there were too much of us to afford to sit and eat out somewhere, so we wouldn’t eat for what seemed like all day, hence the migraine. Even more of a side note, this is exactly why I always have food on me when I leave the house!

Victoria secrets. Sigh. I’ve gone in here before… with my sister. For my sister. For my friends…. For my friend’s girlfriends. Never for me.

We walk in. I’m a step behind Sir more because of instincts but also because of dread. He pulls his Dom eyes out. I am immediately put at ease by those. Trust happens in that moment. I just follow him. Touch the fabrics he touches. Comment on what he asks me to comment on. But ultimately he settles on one. Part silk and part lace. Not at all scandelous. A sweet kind of sexy. A deep maroon color. One of my favorites. He hands it to me and we find a dressing room. I put it on. It’s perfect. The length, the cut around my tiny tiny tiny microscopic boobs,the color, the material, the way I feel.

I crack the door of my dressing room, poke my head out… but not venturing any more of me out of the room… there were a few other guys waiting on their women too. He comes to me. And he isn’t looking at me. He’s looking in the mirror behind me. That gives him a great view of my ass. The length stops right above the bottom curve of my cheeks…. With a narrow strip of lace that extends the length of the back. “Yes?” “Yes.” It’s settled. That’s all it took!!?

We head back to the rack we got it off of to grab the matching T-back panties that go with it. As I’m sifting thru to find my size he says, “You think Andy will like it?”

I flashed my eyes at him, trying to contain the excitement of what I think he just said to me. He notices my excitement and also my hesitation and answers my silent question, “I am giving you permission to wear it for him.”

This man just took me lingerie shopping for another love interest?!

All I can think is this poly thing is pretty cool. And I have the best dom EVER!

what next?

October 7, 2015

When beginning my Dom search I was heart broken from my break up from M. I didn’t have any desire to date anyone else. I didn’t have the energy. I didn’t have enough heart space for it. Definitely not enough brain space.

Investing in my kink seemed like a really good recovery maneuver. Find someone that would give me more experiences. Find more things I like. And didn’t like. Find my limits. Find out what I was capable of. So I met with a few people. Played with another. Then Sir T entered scene.

But somewhere in my search, M began to take up less and less space without me even realizing it. Then I look up one day and I’m super pumped about Andy! But… now what? My dom made it clear that he is poly. If I see someone I want or gain feelings for someone, he wouldn’t stand in the way of that. He never wants to interfere with it. But this is such a foreign idea to me.

First, I felt guilty for having done anything with Andy in the first place. I felt I had betrayed my Dom. But I didn’t. I stayed within the rules of our relationship. But I still couldn’t speak about this with him that easily.

Second, there is no way in HELL Andy would understand any of this.

Third, this Andy thing is way too early to be breaking other commitments in my life just for him, right? But is this fair to ask of him? There are two kinds of guys in this world: the kind that casually date and the kind that don’t. And I had a feeling Andy was the latter. As he well deserves commitment from someone. He was expressing a lot more feelings than someone casual. It felt way more than casual and it was JUST THE BEGINNING. It never felt casual with Andy. I never felt, as he dragged me to his truck, that he was looking for a one night stand. And a girl knows these things whether she admits it out loud or not.

Fourth, I thought this was a cross roads. I have to pick one or the other. But how do I do that at this point? But I knew that I’d have to.

So, I finally put on my big girl panties and brought it up with Sir T. I brought with me all my feelings of guilt and shame and all my tendencies that try to spare everyone’s feelings. Then something happened that I’m just not woman enough to wrap my mind around! He was happy for me. He was excited. He was…. encouraging.

Now, I knew he was poly and this still CAUGHT ME COMPLETELY OFF GUARD! I expected jealousy. I expected him to talk me out of it. I expected some sort of guilt trip. There was zero of that. Knowing about poly and experiencing it is absolutely different. It’s so freeing to be able to discuss someone you have strong feelings for with someone you are in a sexual relationship with.

After sharing my excitement I asked, “What next?” And he dove right in. He went through different scenarios that he’s been involved in. How it worked. How it failed. Different options I had. He had his Dom eyes on while coaching me through it. Those eyes that draw respect and appreciation out of me so fast that it amazes me every time.

Basically I had three options.

1) Sir T would be a ghost. We make sure we don’t leave marks. We don’t tell Andy about it. I hated this option. I was feeling way too much for him to lie to him. Lying seeps into all parts of my brain and saturates the whole relationship and completely soaks it in gasoline… the smallest spark blows it up.

2) Tell him I’m poly. Explain what this means to me: I have someone else in my life I want to keep. He can get on board or walk away. I wouldn’t open up about the kink side of my life. We would still have to worry about marks and bruising.

3) Put everything on the table. Explain about my d/s relationship and the purpose it serves in my life and why I want to keep it. Explain that it is an open relationship. And again, he chooses if he can handle being apart of that or not.

I went with option 3. And I did it while still in my big girl panties and still empowered by Sir T’s advice. I called Andy. “I have something I’d like to discuss with you, but I need three things from you before we start. I need you to listen, keep an open mind, then tell me what you need.” And I jumped in. Explaining my submissive role and my masochistic needs that Sir T satiates. I left nothing out. I couldn’t believe I was saying all this.

Andy’s response was even more incredible than Sir T’s. “I can keep an open mind. I can get on board with this.”

WHAT!?!? My heart exploded in that moment!