looking back at R

Let me hit the pause button on Sir T really fast and explain a few things:

A few months before M and I started dating I was dating this guy. I didn’t write about him other than our first date… and a little vague tid bit at the bottom of this blog post and this one. I couldn’t write about him because in a moment of this-guy-really-cares-for-me-and-i-can-open-up-to-him I gave him my blog. Him and my sister are the only readers I’m not anonymous to. Anyway, I’ve been wanting to write about him for awhile now.

After our first date we didn’t see each other again for a full month. But I knew that I wanted a second date with him. I can’t really remember why it took so long… but this was during my Tinder phase so I could see how the meaningless distractions might have won out there. When you are stuck in the Tinder muck you forget what quality is because it’s so quantity based. Bleh. It’s like quick sand. Anyway…

I started seeing R on a semi regular basis. We live about 60 miles apart so it wasn’t the most convenient thing. On top of that his working hours were the opposite of mine most days. Our only common free time was Wednesday evenings, Saturday nights (post 10pm), and Sundays. This kind of schedule was working for us. I was busy. He was busy. I got to keep my social calendar. He got to…. whatever he did. But as we got closer and closer and I realized “Holy shit I think I WANT to commit to this guy” (which is a big deal because its the first time I’ve felt this since my divorce)… our schedules became too inconventient. I wanted more time with him. I wanted more. I no longer wanted casual… I wanted exclusivity. Between my on-call schedule and a few extra shifts he picked up through the week it didn’t work out. But it was one of those haunting “what-if” break ups because it was a scheduling issue, not a matter of the heart.

We still check in with each other about once a month through text. At one point we said we missed each other, but that’s where we would leave it. Then M came along. I truly feel like after me and R I was finally ready for something more than casual. So with M I jumped in full force. Poor guy didn’t stand a chance. He wasn’t where I was… I was the one that had primer already painted on. That lasted a month… a good month… but only a month. Still, I was so ready that this break up took me down. 2 months later I feel good tho. Recovered (mostly).

BUT ANYWAY! The point of this whole blog post:

On my second date with R… which was just hanging out in my apartment on opposite sides of the couch… I thought “I can see myself loving this guy.” I just said LOVE in my head on a second ‘date’! WHAT?! I just tucked that thought away. I didn’t hate the thought. Then as the night continued… still on opposite sides of the couch we started discussing the movie I had just seen with my girlfriends – 50 Shades of Grey. Now, I think that all of us in the life style have a soapbox especially made for this series, but I held my tongue because it’s hard not to get worked up about that movie and stay undercover. Welp, he didn’t stay undercover. He outed himself… He identifies as a Dom… WHAT?!?!?!? I STILL don’t say anything explicit about my submissive tendencies, but I join in the conversation enough to hopefully give off the hint. He’s not the kind of guy to tell people this. This is just how well we hit it off. This was our second 4 plus hour conversation and we were clicking in all the right places. Hell, I had the L word on the brain!

So over the next few months we had (although very limited contact) some very satisfying on every level contact. In the bedroom… a-freaking-mazing. He was dom. I was sub. I was his. And he was so fucking satisfying. I can’t get over how perfect it really was. Our kinks matched up so perfectly. He was so good at it. The trust I felt was beyond logic. Outside of the bedroom our conversations were constant and interesting. We couldn’t really get enough… which is where we started falling apart… Wanted more of everything. We would go weeks without being able to get to each other and it was torture. I would miss him so badly. Neither one of us fought hard enough to continue through that torture. But breaking it off with him was almost too easy. It was as if we hit an understood pause button… We never said it out loud, but this is how I felt. And I let life distract me. M came along and made it all the more easy.

Relevance to now??

He makes this whole dom search so hard. I can’t imagine anyone being able to recreate what R did for me emotionally and physically. Even in just the few scenes I’ve had with a few other people, while I do enjoy being a whipping post, there is this whole other level that I’ll never be able to get because R set that bar so damn high. Post scene flashbacks… with him… haunting. Every time someone contacts me about getting to know me on fetlife, I can’t help but think of R. I’m haunted by him.


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2 Responses to “looking back at R”

  1. Sir T | Lot of ramblings from little ole me Says:

    […] just have the one hang up. R. I can’t get him off my […]

  2. broken | Lot of ramblings from little ole me Says:

    […] effects. Worst part after him being in love with me is that me and this guy have a legitimate chance of actually being an incredible couple. We just haven’t had the timing workout in the […]

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