I chatted with MrMcCoy for about a week. We met each other through fetlife. He was a dom in search of a sub. And I a sub in search of her dom. I was becoming really excited about this guy. He seemed to understand the dynamic of d/s… which is important. To NOT be just one of those guys looking for some rough, disrespectful sex with someone who doesn’t have a face. He seemed to get the appreciation side and trust and respect side that is needed for a good foundation. Everything seemed pretty cool. It seemed too good. He was a dom that was around my age… I just don’t find that often with someone who isn’t already paired with their sub.

A few days into texting with this guy some red flags start popping up. He was talking to me all day, which I normally would like. I’m a text addict. But this guy was getting impatient between texts. He started talking about contracts. And different things he expected. But all while telling me all the ways he would spoil me. Buy me things. Cuddle with me. Send me flowers. Long massages. So I was taking the conversations in stride. Good and bad… things I desired and things that made me feel unsettled. But I’m the person that sees things through. I saw the potential here. And I was willing to give this guy due diligence. I WANTED it to work.

He starts asking for pictures. And not only the nudey kind. Pictures of me smile – normal selfies. Of my outfit. Of me now just because. And maybe a few naughty ones with very specific instruction on poses. He was taking ownership of me. He was testing me. He was counting my resistance… keeping a punishment tally. And if he was someone I didn’t feel so uneasy about, I would’ve LOVED this. He already claimed me! but… not so fast, Mr. Mccoy. I haven’t made any decisions yet. He got pushier but he also go lovier. I wish I could explain this better. It’s like, for every one thing he did that unsettled me, he’d say something that drew me closer.

I noticed 3 days into this that he claimed me on Fetlife. MrMcCoy is Dominant of PMD 2 days ago. WHAT!??! No, I don’t think so. How did I miss this? Shouldn’t that have been mutually decided??? Why didn’t it notify me? I don’t like this. At all. I think about this for about a day and ask him to please take that off. That we would have that discussion when and if I decided to LET him claim me. But there was something about this that made me feel terrible. As a sub, talking to someone that I was considering as a dom, I found it hard to have so much defiance. I couldn’t claim him yet tho. Too many red flags, but I had an inner struggle, because… I was FEELING claimed… against my will. How does that work? I always have doubtful moments that maybe this isn’t who I am. Then something like this happens, and its absolutely undeniable. I am a sub. He was apologetic. He thought it was going to be a good surprise to me. That he “knew” I was leaning towards saying “yes” to him. That this was just me trying to hold on to my “last bits of control”. And I had to think about this. Is this me clawing at freedom? Why would I be so desperate to hold on when I know I want this type of relationship with someone. Exactly. With someone. But was this guy it?

So we decided to meet. Dinner at a Mexican restaurant. I’m already feeling some anxiety because I have to drive an hour to meet him. Then earlier that day (this was last Sunday) he says he is too excited to wait. “Let’s meet sooner.” “OK, I can get there by 2.” So, that knocks out the dinner idea. “Where are we meeting?” I suggest a coffee shop. He says the only Starbucks in town is on campus… and you need a student ID for that. “Ok, where then?” “Lets meet at Walmart.” My anxiety shoots through the roof. A dinner at a restaurant was a very comfortable idea. A parking lot? Not so much. I call my best friend in a semi panicked state. She says in no way should I meet him like that. Find a place to sit in public. She says people at Walmart will watch you be dragged away and go out of their way to NOT get involved. People at a restaurant will step up and help. LOL. OH LORD! “Can we please meet at a coffee place?” “There are no coffee places.” Small town Arkansas for ya. 😦

I pull into Walmart next to his silver SUV. He’s cuter than his pictures. He is NOT photogenic… But this guy in front of me… yum.

Immediately he tells me I’m gorgeous. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ “Thank you, sir.” He flashes me a deviant smile. I struck a good chord with addressing him so formally…. I knew it would have the same effect on him as it did to me when he called me gorgeous…

He wants to go to a park…. that doesn’t feel right. But he lets me drive so I feel more in control. He says that. So he either has me all figured out, or he cares, right?? We pull up to a fairly populated park. We grab a seat on some vacant bleachers. We chat. It’s going well. I’m feeling a bit more at ease. We get up and start walking a trail that leads to a great view. Are you yelling at me to stop going into the woods with this guy yet? Yeah… My best friend would’ve been absolutely horrified.

Into the conversation I realize he keeps making me agree with him. He’ll state an opinion and wait for me to agree. What can I do but nod my head. Then he keeps telling me how he predicts I feel about the whole situation. And again he waits for me to agree. I can’t have my own words. He keeps circling the same words. He repeats himself. Circular conversations… I hate those. So here I am… unable to have an opinion… which at this point I’m grateful for because I don’t have a good opinion of him anymore. And I can’t say that to his face. He must have sensed he was losing me.

He grabs my face and kisses me. It’s not bad. It’s surprisingly nice. He bites my neck. Shit… that felt good. He spins me around bends me over the side of rock we are hiking by. He spanks me. This is not a small pat. This is perfectly centered on my ass cheek, full force, spanking… Um. Yes, please! He does it again. Then the other cheek. I’m almost grateful I had a layer of clothes on… I know it’s showing red even still. He pulls me into him, back facing him. He’s got the perfect angle to my neck… no girl on the planet isn’t effected by that spot on her neck. He’s kissing, he’s blowing, he’s biting. I take it. All of it. Just experience it. React to it.

A twig snapped close by along the path. Brings us back to reality. Brings ME back to reality. Thankfully. It’s hard to shake it off actually. But we continue… as vanilla. Walking and talking along this path. And the view he takes me to is beautiful.

The more and more he speaks the more and more I lose respect for him. I don’t think he is full of shit. I think that he believes he IS the shit. I think he’d be a very capable dom.. in the bedroom. I don’t respect him enough for what this is going to take tho. You need respect and trust. And you can’t have one without it lending to the other. But still It’s so hard for me not to settle on this guy because I can see the potential.

As I drive home I’m already getting “I miss you” texts. And how much he likes me. How much he looks forward to me finally accepting him as dom. He KNOWS I will say yes. But he doesn’t know that I’m so unsettled by all of it. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t just want a sub. He wants some mix between a slave and a brat… and I’m not either one of those. We would both be settling in that department. He gets really smothery over the next few days. He tells me he’d like to be more than d/s… That he wants it to be a full relationship. And that just about seals it for me. No way I can do this.

I decline the position as his sub. He’s sad but understanding… He didn’t expect this decision because remember? He’s the shit.

A few hours later he tells me that his dog just got run over. He witnessed it and everything. That he took his last breath as he sent that last message. (Who has their phone in hand when there dog is dying unless they are calling the animal hospital?) I tell him I’m sorry but really what else can I do? Surely there is someone else in his life to console him, right? Was this him trying to make me feel bad and continue our relationship? Did his dog really die? Does he even have a dog? I don’t know. But again, its unsettling. And the fact that I even thought that he might lie to manipulate me assures me that I made the right decision. I have to believe, trust, and respect the person I choose as my Dom. The search continues.


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

3 Responses to “MrMcCoy”

  1. violetonlineisonline Says:

    my god i was fascinated!

    • shelldab Says:

      My emotions were on a roller coaster that day for sure! And really the entire time MrMcCoy and I were in communication. Hope does strange things to us, doesn’t it?

  2. respect | Lot of ramblings from little ole me Says:

    […] don’t have many reservations with him at all. Like with MrMcCoy… who had red flags coming out the ying yang….. Even tho that physical attraction […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: