Archive for September, 2015

birthday spankings

September 30, 2015

wheel barrow spankings… mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I didn’t know about these. If you don’t know what these are… let me explain. My only point of reference were wheel barrow races. lol So I concluded I’d be inverted. Ding ding ding!

He sat in a chair. My forearms were on the ground as if I were doing planks, but the lower half of my body was resting on his legs and the arms of the chair. Setting my ass right in the middle of his lap, face up. In between very loud smacks he would rub over the reddened areas. So good. The combination of the spankings and caressing was completely intoxicating.

This was followed by 50 feet of nylon rope and a cane. Dragonfly harness… Another new item on my list! I loved it. Honestly, the best part about being tied up, is similar to my wax experience. I liked watching him work. Watching him think through every loop and knot and wrap. Time spent on me. Full focus. I can’t get enough of that. He led me to the mirror afterwards. Let me admire his work. It was beautiful. Wish I had a prettier canvas for him to work on. He pulled on the back… explaining that this is the kind of harness that would allow me to be strung up into the air and not hurt. And I believe that. I could be suspended and the gravity of my body and rope wouldn’t hurt. It was so thickly done. I loved the thought. Too bad we didn’t have those resources.

He pull my cane out. (Hehe. “My” cane… I just mean my favorite one of his… his thickest one… which is still no thicker than my thumb.) I didn’t know this but he was shooting for 28 – how old I am now. He made it to 17 before he stopped. I never called the safety word, but I guess I was welting up enough for him to stop. Lol Merciful. Every single thud felt unbearable and safety word worthy…. but I just want to feel it. I want to see how far I can be taken. How much can I bear? I want to get there… to where it is truly unbearable… instead of just close to it. It’s a weird feeling to want it to stop and want it to last longer at the same time. I just… can’t really put the words together well enough to do the feeling justice.

The rest of the evening was very much about me.

Happy birthday to me 🙂

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wax

September 24, 2015
I wasn’t nervous till he asked me to pick which color I wanted first.
Decisions always trigger my nerves. Especially when my dom is involved. Isn’t he the all time decision maker? So I pick fast. White. The candles have been heating since before we started making dinner.
He approaches me slowly. Kneeling beside me. Looks at me. Naked on the floor. Then into my eyes. Taking my temperature again. I must have passed the test because he tilted the jar. I braced myself.
The wax hits my skin. Warm, not hot at all. Nothing hurts. I relax some. He continues to pour. Like an artist with a paint brush and me, his canvas… he continues to pour slowing.
After each candle is spent he asks for the next color. We go through them all. White, Green, Red, Blue, Red again…
As the wax is spilling and splattering and rolling down my skin…. the warmth hardens. It feels nice. No pain. Just pleasure. He is concentrating on my body so intently. And I’m looking into his eyes as he paints. Watching the directions his eyes shift. I enjoy someone enjoying my body – a submissive trait, for sure.
I kept thinking what’s next? What will happen when he is finished? What will his pleasure be? Then the answer comes… in the form of a paint scraper.
I laugh to myself. While he was enjoying being the artist… he knew the scraper was coming. I’m happy about this too – a masochist trait, for sure

polyamory

September 23, 2015
Sir T is poly. He believes in open relationships. And we aren’t dating. We are strictly d/s. Basically this means that, while I am his sub, I can have sex with anyone I want with one caveat. I get permission in advance and make sure I keep all parties safe in the process. He just really wants to be in on my sexual loop. Makes sense. He does have a hard no-other-Dom policy. That makes sense too.
He has a few other subs. He isn’t jealous, and I don’t feel stingy with him either. I feel rather open to it actually. I like that I can be open with him about guys. and about everything. If I’ve got some sort of date lined up he is cool with that. Not that I’m pursuing that very actively right now.  But things come up. He just wishes me well. “Have fun.” And if I’m stressed about another boy. Fine. He will help be a stress relief. He actually is pretty good about giving me a different perspective on things. It shifts my gears for me. Helps me take a calmer look at things. I’m so grateful for it. And I’m very very happy about it.
In fact… More and more I think on polyamorous relationships the more I can buy into it. If me and my husband had an open relationship… We would still be married. He’d make a great life partner – someone light hearted to grow gray with. He’d make a great father. Great friend. Great provider. But… we weren’t enough for each other. Can’t help but wonder… Wish I had been more opened minded when I was younger.

just for me

September 22, 2015
I was having a particularly stressful day last Wednesday. I mentioned this to Sir T. He immediately sprung into action. He came over after work. We had a early dinner and evening in. It was unexpected and very sweet.
****side note****
When I know we are seeing each other I have a check list of primping. Whether it’s shaving, picking out an outfit, a shower, painting my nails. The usual primp stuff. After all, it’s in the rules… but surely there is some leeway for spontaneous plans? I don’t know yet. I’m not sure what his expectations are in certain things. I’m actually excited to figure all this out. I am nervous/anxious/excited to see what he would do if I slip or slack on a few rules for any reason.
So far, he has proven to be a reasonable and gracious man. He is allowing me time to learn. But I’m almost tempted to push the lines a little. What will his reaction be? What will my punishments be? What will his eyes look like?
Oh, the facial expressions. He has that Dom switch. The switch that turns a man from a man to a dom. That look in the eyes. The demeanor. It excites me to think about!!
*******************
Anyway, the point is. He came over to pamper me. The focus was on me that evening. He chose to take that on himself. He chose to give that to me. I feel honored and lucky.
After that night I felt more like his. So far we haven’t made anything official. A lot of new things. A lot of tasks. A lot of temperature taking. But nothing official.
Every day… “Are you still having fun?” I know he knows that is important. With a simple question I can tell, he knows not to take me for granted. I like it.

dad’s accident

September 22, 2015
My dad broke his ankle. This, in itself, is not report worthy. I mean… not big enough to make it to my blog anyway… Not that my blog has such high standards. LOL. Anyway… here’s what win’s it’s noteworthy prize:
  • he “fell off his recliner”
  • broke it in two places
  • had to have surgery to put three pins in to put his ankle back together
  • spent two nights in the hospital (he announced this to us via facebook message :-/… really? can a daughter get a freakin phone call?)
  • has to be in a wheel chair for 6 weeks
  • doc says he probably has osteoporosis (and sincerely this one does have me worried)
WHAT?!?!
  1. Fell out of your recliner? This doesn’t even sound physically possible. How many laws of physics did you have to break for that one?
  2. His girlfriend is a recovering narcotics addict. Having her in the same house as someone that needs those pills for pain at the moment is scary. What will her relapse do to my dad? Of course this is trusting that she is, in fact, currently sober.
  3. My dad is a heavy vodka abuser. My guess is he was being stupid in a drunken moment, tripped, and didn’t wanna admit it was alcohol related. But why not just say he tripped? A Half truth is smarter than a complete lie. right? <– learned this one from my ex- husband…. (merp)
  4. If he does have osteoporosis then he might have in fact fell out of his recliner and I should feel like a terrible daughter for assuming the worst…
But when his lineup for the last 4 years is beyond ridiculous, it makes everything he says pretty untrustworthy. To list a few:
  • had an affair with someone that it is illegal (maybe not illegal, but definitely punishable by law – wait, that does make it illegal?) to have a relationship with (a lawyer and a bail bondsman (woman) is a no-no)
  • got a divorce from my mom because of said affair AFTER she gave him TWO chances to cut things off with this woman
  • not paying my mom alimony (a woman who spent her entire adult life raising us 5 kids, managing the household, and making sure he ALWAYS had a meal before he even had to ask)
  • dated a woman that is YOUNGER THAN ME (27, while he is 64). She went to prison for pharmaceutical fraud, lost custody of her kids because of an addiction, and a client of my father’s (another no-no relationship)!
  • let said young girlfriend not only move in (after she got out of prison) but let her be the secretary in his law practice!!
  • been in at least 3 plus car wrecks due to being an idiot and either texting or drinking (or both! to be fair, this is just a theory – but over 3 wrecks in such a short time is suspicious)
  • getting let go of two part time jobs because of said drinking – in doing so losing medical insurance and a set income. This just means he has his private practice only for his income which should be fine, but scares him a lot for obvious reasons.
As you can see it’s easy to assume the worst.
Geez. Now I’m exhausted.
I. Can’t. Even.

speaking of bowling…

September 21, 2015

Is it just me or is it awkward to have everyone staring at your backside while you bend over, grab the ball, scoot to the starting position and bowl your turn?

I felt like when someone else was bowling no one was watching. We were all chatting and laughing. But on my turn I’m hyper aware of the eyes on my backside. I coach myself through it tho. I coach myself a lot. Assuring myself that no one watched the last person bowl. Or the person before that. I even feel bad when I miss someone strike and no one is aware enough to cheer them on.

So why, when I turn around after my turn is over, are all eyes on me? Am I being paranoid?

Add this to my social anxiety list…

single’s group

September 21, 2015

I approached the bowling alley neck deep in anxiety. First off, I have what I call “front door” anxiety. Anytime I’m meeting people somewhere ESPECIALLY if I’ve never been there before, thinking about parking, finding the front door of the building (which is ridiculous, right?), then searching inside for my party has me so nervous and riddled with anxiety. Its completely irrational. I mean, what exactly am I worried about? Well, then add to the fact that I didn’t know ANYONE in the party I was meeting… not only was I searching for people in a place I don’t frequent, but I was looking for faces I didn’t know. THEN to top that off with having to meet and mingle with these people… I almost didn’t go. In fact, it’s all this anxiety that kept me from our very first study on the book Crazy Love, the week before.

I siked myself up ALL day. What a silly people phobia this is. I went back and forth all day. ultimately tho, I picked out an outfit, then changed, then changed back into the original (of course), grabbed my keys, an extra pair of socks, slipped on my flip flops and left home. My only comfort is I DID have the group leader’s phone number, so I decided that would be my safety net.

I walk into the building. I’m 5 minutes late (by design) and I scan the lanes. There are a few families… a few groups of couples. I knew any lane that appeared to have a couple wasn’t it. It’s a singles group. I saw a few people in the lane in front of me, but nothing that stands out as a church group. So I sit at a high top table near the lanes, whip out my phone, and text this Susan women. The only thing I know about Susan is her last name, and the fact that she sends too many emails.

No reply. Crap. I continue to sit. A girl from the lane in front of me looks at me. And I have hope! She starts walking towards my area, and all I can think is PLEASE LET HER BE COMING TO ME!!! And she was. She asked if I was meeting a group there and I said YES! I was SO grateful to this girl that took pity on me. In that moment she was my savior. I hate this anxiety I have. But as soon as the connection was made, I was FINE. Absolutely 100% fine. I met and mingled because I’m a bubbly open person. It’s not hard for me, as long as the others around me are open to it. And this whole group is new. So everyone is open to mixing and mingling with everyone. Searching to make connections and friendships in Christ.

As I was talking and hanging out with these good christian people. I couldn’t remember the last time I hung out with a group of people in this kind of setting without an alcoholic beverage. I am not the kind of person that needs the alcohol, but I was just noticing the stark differences between this group and the groups I have been apart of for the past 6 years!

The thing is I use to be one of these people. No cursing, no drinking, easily talking about Jesus and his blessings and sacrifices for all. I was out of place tho… From the girl I use to be. I hadn’t realized just how far I’ve come to where I was. It was odd being on this side of things. And I’m not sure how I feel about all of it yet. And whether I am trying to get back to who I was (if not more grown up version of who I was) or not… But I do know I’m going to continue until I know.

This group consists of people of all ages. And the older people that were there were…. a bit odd… The kind of odd where you can understand why they are single. And I don’t mean to be judgmental in this way, but… they just have super obvious nuances that would be hard to connect with…. They are all sweet people. Great hearts. They want to serve. They are genuine in their faith. I loved that. SO SO SO genuine. So many times I get too critical of people’s motives. But these people truly just want to do what God wants of them. They immerse themselves in his church and his ministries because God gave them the hearts for it. It was nice to see the genuineness of it. I can’t stress GENUINE enough.

Anyway… I am a bit conflicted with my two halves, but I’m going to jump into the deep end of both pools and see what happens. Is it a war? Will one come out on top? Or can I have all of this? I don’t know. Just gonna go with it.

respect

September 18, 2015

After my initial meeting with Sir T, I felt pretty comfortable around him. I mean… there is still a level of this-guy-knows-more-than-i-do-so-i-might-tip-toe-for-a-bit, but I feel like I can ask him things. I’m okay with not knowing things and getting him to explain it to me.

He sent me a list of rules. Not a contract. Just a list of things he expects. The top 3 (he calls them The Golden Three) are basically about letting him be my better half. Letting him know what is best for me. Trusting him. And always putting his happiness in front of my own because he in turn does the same for me. Both of us keeping each other’s happiness first.

I don’t have many reservations with him at all. Like with MrMcCoy… who had red flags coming out the ying yang….. Even tho that physical attraction isn’t there there is still a connection of respect that I like. I like that level of respect I have for him. I don’t have that for everyone. I didn’t realize this was the case until recently. It was a hard truth about myself to admit.

Why am I so quick to trust yet so stingy with my respect? I think a big part of my marriage and relationship with my ex husband was that neither one of us fully respected each other. Why is that? I can’t really come up with the answer.

Does it come from a place of condescension? I kind of think it might. And I hate that. I like to think that I’m a humble person. And I am. Aren’t I? But do I just like to think that because humility is a desired trait? I don’t really feel like I think I’m better than others… but I digress.

Sir T has already gotten a good feel on how my mind operates. I don’t know how he picks up so much with so little. He not only observes well, but he is quick to make adjustments accordingly. This is so important for someone that will be taking the lead – in the bedroom or out.

He always asks for my opinions. He always checks in on me about how I feel about things and if I’m still having fun. lol. It’s almost weird having him ask.

One of his rules for when we spend the night together: I must turn down the bed, let him inspect me, and sleep naked. Inspect me? That should be interesting.

We are having dinner tonight. I’m quite looking forward to it. He is picking me up at 6:30. Sushi!

We have had a few scenes together thus far. He is very heavy handed. It’s what inspired my cane post. I’ll definitely post more on my new experiences soon. It’s been very fun 🙂

cane

September 14, 2015

The initial impact takes your breath away. It feels almost unbearable. The evidence of the blow echos as it lifts from your skin. The pain has a way of reverberating for a few seconds. Starting out strong and heavy then fading into a dull sting… Just as the stinging stops the second impact takes your breath away….

Sir T

September 11, 2015

We decided to meet for a few drinks before dinner time on Friday. As I walked up he was getting out of his car. Now… let me see… how to say this respectfully…

Remember Mr. Dimples? He oozed cute and sexy. I couldn’t stop staring. Sir T is older. He’s been in this scene for over 20 years. He started at age 17! He’s 40ish years old. That’s older than I had been looking for. But this guy’s resume is worth looking past age and, quite frankly, looks. He’s 5’11” and probably around 230/240lbs. He wears classes with a yellow tint and he has quite a gut on him. BUT, like I said, his experience in this art is intense. I could learn a whole hell of a lot from him. He has had experience with everything.

On top of that he use to be a photographer. I saw his portfolio (I guess that’s what you’d call it) and his rope work coupled with his photography skills is fantastic! Drool worthy! I’m enamored just knowing what he can do, and what he can offer me!

He started out training as a switch under a dominatrix at age 17. He was her sub, and in turn had a few subs for himself. He only subbed for her. Easy to see how valued he was to her. It’s easy to think, “Well, that’s what he SAYS anyway, but how can you know?” He has a reference list. Past subs, current subs, people he’s mentored, people he IS mentoring. It’s clear he is serious about earning my trust. It’s intense and legit from all angles that I can tell. No red flags.

He isn’t pompous or trying to read my mind or full of himself or condescending. After he says anything he asks where I stand on topics. He truly wants to know where I’ve come from and what I’m thinking. And he remembers everything I say. It’s easy to see how meticulous he is. He does everything with purpose. Every conversation, every question. There’s always layers to what he is looking for. One answer tells him 5 different things about me. I love this about him. My mind doesn’t work like this. And it’s so fascinating to recognize.

It’s hard not to wish he was a bit more on the attractive side, but like I said… he more than tips the scales in all other areas.

After a few drinks he wants to walk around the mall some. Walk off the pre-dinner beer. He takes me into a shop and picks out a few dresses. I put them on for him. I was really nervous about sizes and looking terrible in front of him. I was getting so self conscious, but, actually, it was really fun. He has a good eye. They were beautiful. They fit. Overall it was great.

At this point he is interested in taking me under his wing. And I feel completely honored. One thing I noticed about him that was different from the other guys I’d met with: I could look into his eyes. I mean… not just a passing glance… I could sit in his gaze a I didn’t feel the need to look away. I don’t feel comfortable doing this very often. It said something deep to me. Just a feeling. Maybe it’s nothing.

I just have the one hang up. R. I can’t get him off my mind.