dissatisfied

I’m so dissatisfied right now. Had a binge eating session last night. Emotional hangover from that today. Guilt. Shame. The whole deal.

Job: I feel useless. There are rare day where I feel needed. But as the newest member of the team… I’m pretty disposable right now. I miss my old position where I was actually good at it. I kicked ass. Now, I’m a baby again… needing to be spoon fed everything it seems.

relationship status: I loved being apart of a couple with M. I miss him. I miss that. And now… I’m just all over the place, once again. Too many options and too many directions. At this point I can drop them all and be just as dissatisfied in life. I was in communication with 4 guys just last night between the hours of 9 and 11 and really only 1 that I’d care to actually be with, of course, he’s the least likely of the 4 because of time and distance. I need a good flogging. Gah, I want that. NEED that. A good flogging and a good after-care cuddle sesh.

Workouts: My damn motivation changes from week to week and its really bugging me. I signed up for the gauntlet and i’m pretty much dreading every obstacle right now. I have exactly a month to get ready for it. Gonna be stupid… I’ll walk away feeling terrible about myself. I hope I’m wrong about this. Overall I’m doing well. I even lost 10 pounds in the last 2 months that feels pretty damn good. But… like I said, every week feels different.

Restless: I need a vacation in the biggest way possible. But vacationing alone? I don’t know that I’m a good enough person to be able to do that and not cry myself to sleep every night, or pick up some rando at the closest bar to my hotel where ever I go. Reckless. Purely reckless. And I’ll still be just as dissatisfied, but also gain a side of disgust. I’ve even thought about getting back on tinder JUST to find a vacation buddy… how pathetic is that. “Need vacation buddy for one week in September. Series inquiries only”. I’M PATHETIC!

I just wanna throw the biggest pity party today.

bad day bad day bad day

It’ll pass.

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2 Responses to “dissatisfied”

  1. violetonlineisonline Says:

    at least you’re not drinking…

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