adrift

I think Mr. Dimples is dead.

Not actually dead. Just not living in my world. I’m not sure what happened. Nothing happened as far as I saw. Maybe his primary relationship’s “openess” changed. Or maybe he found someone else to play with. I don’t know. But the last I heard from him was when he was breaking our date on saturday night because of some “emergency”. Sigh… disappointed.

Boy b also cancels with “emergencies”. Then texting a few days later wondering where *I* have been… Not sure what the point is in all this.

JD is still refreshingly sweet. And surprisingly available. We hung out again last night. And we have plans for an actual date for tonight.

The guy that broke up with me recently (lets call him M) called me at mid-night last night. He was on his way home and wanted to stop by for a hug. This stabs me so hard in my heart. Because 95% of me is screaming “Yes, please come over!!!” 2% of me was groggy from sleep and wanted more. 3% of me knew that a hug at midnight was not a good idea. And it wasn’t being “just a friend” and I’m tired of the gray area and he needs to see what being on that side of the friendship line is like. He misses me. And while I’m happy about that. I miss him more. And I know he doesn’t have the same kind of miss that I do. Makes for a heavy, heavy heart. I’m glad I resisted. I’m glad I got the sleep I needed. And I’m glad to show him that I can make the decisions that keep him away. Even tho its a tortured decision. We do have plans tomorrow. My first attempt at being his friend in person since a failed attempt several weeks ago – where I went home early because I was threatened by tears every second. The only thing that is going to make it easier to keep boundaries up is probably JD. Healthy or not… it helps.

To be honest, I’m feeling a little lost right now. I felt grounded when I was with M. I loved calling that official. Life simplified. I had so much peace about life.

Then, again, I felt grounded when Dimples and I were discussing our potential partnership.

But now, I just feel adrift. I don’t hate it. But I know I like grounded better.

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2 Responses to “adrift”

  1. violetonlineisonline Says:

    JD sounds like he has potential! Go slowwwwwwwww…

    • shelldab Says:

      I think that’s the only option my heart has right now! Even tho I do tend to have to work at pulling in the reigns. Thanks!

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