happy place

Well, Melissa didn’t call. I didn’t workout. But I could’ve done it worse… Could’ve had all 8 pieces of the pie…. instead of just two… and I could’ve bought and ate a whole bag of Doritos instead of simply naked pita chips…………..

I feel disgusting. And ashamed. And I need to turn this around. A-fucking-SAP.

I woke up with piercing pain in my right temple. BUt duh… I ate like shit this week after eating to perfection for 4 weeks prior. Shocked my system to say the least. I need to find my new happy place….

And I think I know where that is. I found… an outlet. A fetlife friend. He is already in a relationship. An open one. Well, only open enough for him to let out his Dom. His primary relationship is vanilla. And it matches my needs right now. I’m hung up on a guy that I can’t have, and need an outlet myself. It’s so weird to crave something that’s not been part of my life for too long. Less than a year… and yet I know that experiencing any kind of pain (or what I call having a pain/pleasing relationship) would be so perfect right now. I could shake off the heartache. Find motivation in that.

I find this difficult to write about almost. Knowing that it doesn’t make sense to some people. Why would someone want to experience pain? Why would someone want to bring yourself to basically the level of slave and servant to someone for a little while (at least). I don’t know.

But I’ve been thinking lately about a lot of aspects of this. When you feel pain you feel pleasure at an even higher degree. When he’s happy I’m even happier. When he is proud, I am on top of the world. When I endure I am brave and strong and I did it well!! ——>craving to say the least right now… but only because I KNOW, somehow I know, that this will help to heal me. If only for a release of everything I’m holding onto on the inside. In those moments of submission EVERYTHING comes out. You don’t hide anything you feel. You let your reactions shine thru. Raw. You let go of all facades. It’s alllll gone. It disappears. And I NEVER let go. I’m the kind of person that can consume a six pack or a whole bottle of wine and still think about every word I say. Need that nakedness. It’s the only time I know how, or want to show all. I want that. I want to be vulnerable and exposed. I have so much need for that right now.

I will meet him soon and see how we connect in person.

I thought about reaching out to a few people I’ve done this with in the past. One of them I’m worried would be too difficult because there is history of feelings. A lot of feelings on both our parts. And existing feelings. I think about him and I wish to be there in his arms… then experience those arms in full force. It’s almost too hard to resist. Just thinking about it is intoxicating. But that’s why I can’t put myself in that position. Because I’m heartbroken. And I don’t believe that is a healthy way to fix my heartache. Even if we do have a future (or especially if we have a future)… It isn’t going to work if I’m recovering. And the other guy… Not enough pain. He’s not a masochist… he likes the control more than the pain infliction and I need to find a better match.

Here’s to my new happy place. I feel better just writing about it. Happy Friday, all.

Advertisements

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

3 Responses to “happy place”

  1. looking back at R | Lot of ramblings from little ole me Says:

    […] speak about him other than our first date… and a little tid bit at the bottom of this blog post and this one. I couldn’t write about him because in a moment of […]

  2. broken | Lot of ramblings from little ole me Says:

    […] to move. Can’t wait to feel so much that my feels shut down and I’m numb. When M broke my heart that’s what I wanted too. For someone to break my body other than my heart. And it worked. It […]

  3. m is back | Lot of ramblings from little ole me Says:

    […] It was coming. But you had to see it through. He broke my heart. He is the reason why I decided to pursue my kink instead of a relationship a year and half ago. My heart was a mess, but it left the perfect soil […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: