Archive for July, 2015

boy B… thoughtful?

July 31, 2015

Who’s boy B? quick catchup here.

Boy B picked up girl.

Girl was surprisingly happy to see boy B.

Boy B took her to her “surprise that was sure to relax” her.

We pull up to a massage parlor!!! Massages are one of my favorite things. I love being touched. I love massages. I love everything about them. I’m excited. We go in and fill out the first time form and sit in the lobby waiting area.

Little Asian woman comes out and motions to us. “Me?” I say as I point to my chest. “Or him?” I point to boy B. She nods enthusiastically and motions for both of us to come. “Room 6.” I’m thoroughly confused at this point. But I follow her because somewhere around that corner I’m getting a massage! I walk into Room 6. 2 beds. No partitions. COUPLE’S MASSAGE?!?!?! I can’t help but laugh. I’m almost doubled over laughing.

Boy B that claims he can handle being just friends has scheduled a couple’s massage with girl.

He pokes his head in… clearly embarrassed… feigning cluelessness. Now, I don’t know if he meant to do this or not… he says he didn’t but I only believe him not at all. My hesitation on the logistics of it all didn’t last long.

I mean, hey, my FRIEND is buying me a massage! Fuck it. I take my shirt off. Remove my jeans. Lie face down and wait. I’m enjoying this regardless of any other naked body in the room.

So… if he was truly unaware of the “couples” part of the massage then this was extremely thoughtful. He knows I’ve been stressed and sad and it DEFINITELY cheered me up.

But… I mean, really how unaware was he? I’ll never know. Slick way to get me naked tho. And damn, that Asian woman knew what she was doing.

Happy Friday!

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boy A, boy B, girl

July 30, 2015

Girl is getting over boy A.

Boy B wants to date girl.

Girl tells boy B that she is hung up and recovering from boy A.

Boy B says that’s okay. “I want to be your friend.”

Girl says okay. “But I’m serious about not being able to give more than that.”

Boy B is good with this. Boy B says he is good with this.

Girl is sad. Girl misses boy A. Girl has made boundaries clear to boy B.

Is it wrong for girl to take advantage? Is it taking advantage of boy B if he is aware of all the facts and all the feelings? Or is it girl’s responsibility to save boy B from inevitable heart ache because his feeling are clear.

And is boy B just using a manipulation tactic? Does boy B truly plan on being just friends? Is boy B taking advantage of girl?

Girl has no energy to argue with persistent boy B. She agrees to hang out with boy B.

Girl feels guilty for accepting. Now girl is sad about boy A and feeling guilt over boy B.

just friends

July 27, 2015

So… a few months back I brought an ultimatum to the table with him (the guy that just broke up with me). I told him that I didn’t want to do what we were doing without commitment. That I 100% done with him unless he offered commitment. He was being wishy washy with what we were. I was getting too deep into the feels to make this work and feel good about it. It was beginning to hurt. Self preservation kicked in.

To my surprise he said yes. “Let’s try it.” After a month of bliss (in my opinion – it was apparently the wrong opinion) he broke it off.

I know. A relationship shouldn’t be the result of an ultimatum… and I can’t believe I did that. I mean, I was hurt. I needed to be very clear with him. Anyway… in retrospect it was the wrong move.

He wants to be friends. He doesn’t want to lose my friendship… which I find out now is why he even gave it a shot in the first place. I should be flattered? He’d rather be forced to being a couple than lose me? bleh. Wrong on so many levels. When did I become such a crazy girl?

That’s probably a sign in itself that it wasn’t a good match. But of course, I’m still hurting from it all. Feels deep. Most moments are fine… then I can’t open the pickle jar and I lose it. <— girl moment.

He invited me over on Saturday to hang out with him and his roommate. I went. Try this friend thing. Felt only right. I made him try to be my boyfriend, the least I can do is try being his friend. Found out it’s way too soon for that. It didn’t last long before I claimed exhaustion and went home. Not yet. Later… like, a few months from now.

I stayed active this weekend. Sweat therapy is my favorite. Sun, hot sun, soooo muggy, and a view of the river… The Arkansas River Trail in Little Rock really is something. It’s beautiful to bike or to run. Too hot for me to feel good running in, but perfect for biking. I feel lucky to live right on it!

Here’s to hoping this Monday goes quickly!

happy place

July 24, 2015

Well, Melissa didn’t call. I didn’t workout. But I could’ve done it worse… Could’ve had all 8 pieces of the pie…. instead of just two… and I could’ve bought and ate a whole bag of Doritos instead of simply naked pita chips…………..

I feel disgusting. And ashamed. And I need to turn this around. A-fucking-SAP.

I woke up with piercing pain in my right temple. BUt duh… I ate like shit this week after eating to perfection for 4 weeks prior. Shocked my system to say the least. I need to find my new happy place….

And I think I know where that is. I found… an outlet. A fetlife friend. He is already in a relationship. An open one. Well, only open enough for him to let out his Dom. His primary relationship is vanilla. And it matches my needs right now. I’m hung up on a guy that I can’t have, and need an outlet myself. It’s so weird to crave something that’s not been part of my life for too long. Less than a year… and yet I know that experiencing any kind of pain (or what I call having a pain/pleasing relationship) would be so perfect right now. I could shake off the heartache. Find motivation in that.

I find this difficult to write about almost. Knowing that it doesn’t make sense to some people. Why would someone want to experience pain? Why would someone want to bring yourself to basically the level of slave and servant to someone for a little while (at least). I don’t know.

But I’ve been thinking lately about a lot of aspects of this. When you feel pain you feel pleasure at an even higher degree. When he’s happy I’m even happier. When he is proud, I am on top of the world. When I endure I am brave and strong and I did it well!! ——>craving to say the least right now… but only because I KNOW, somehow I know, that this will help to heal me. If only for a release of everything I’m holding onto on the inside. In those moments of submission EVERYTHING comes out. You don’t hide anything you feel. You let your reactions shine thru. Raw. You let go of all facades. It’s alllll gone. It disappears. And I NEVER let go. I’m the kind of person that can consume a six pack or a whole bottle of wine and still think about every word I say. Need that nakedness. It’s the only time I know how, or want to show all. I want that. I want to be vulnerable and exposed. I have so much need for that right now.

I will meet him soon and see how we connect in person.

I thought about reaching out to a few people I’ve done this with in the past. One of them I’m worried would be too difficult because there is history of feelings. A lot of feelings on both our parts. And existing feelings. I think about him and I wish to be there in his arms… then experience those arms in full force. It’s almost too hard to resist. Just thinking about it is intoxicating. But that’s why I can’t put myself in that position. Because I’m heartbroken. And I don’t believe that is a healthy way to fix my heartache. Even if we do have a future (or especially if we have a future)… It isn’t going to work if I’m recovering. And the other guy… Not enough pain. He’s not a masochist… he likes the control more than the pain infliction and I need to find a better match.

Here’s to my new happy place. I feel better just writing about it. Happy Friday, all.

To run or to Pie?

July 23, 2015

I did a whole month of not binging! I CANNOT believe I could do it. I am so proud of me. I lost 6 pounds and feel great!

correction: felt great. Then the whole dumping thing happened and my motivation slipped. I’m feeling a binge sesh coming on. I mean, its inevitable at this point. I was going so strong and motivated. It was almost easy. Now I’m in the downward shame cycle like i’ve already done the binging. I feel as badly as if i already ate the ENTIRE keylime pie that I have in my head to eat. 😦 This is bad. It can’t come back in full swing. It can’t.

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I need to keep doing well. can you imagine 6 more pounds in the next month? I would start to look really really good! not that you all know what I look like. I just would, k? Trust me. But today, I feel like a bigfatcow and I just wanna drown my brokeness in some keylime pie.

But if looking good was a good enough motivator I would’ve already punched this binge eating disorder in the face or possibly never have had it.

So. Step 1) recognize your “hunger” as emotional. Okay, this is soooo emotional. I just ate lunch. I am not in need of any kind of food. I could go days without being in NEED. What do they say? It takes 60 days to literally starve to death? A pretty good test if your checking what kind of hunger you are experiencing is this simple test. Would you eat a 4oz salmon filet and a side of sauteed veggies? Your favorite salad? (ha. favorite salad. as if.) Or does this hunger demand a cupcake? Pizza? Extra cheese please!

step 2) recognize the trigger. The break up. I don’t want it over. He did. For whatever noble a reason he claims. Still, it’s over and I didn’t want it to be over. Did I know it would end? Yeah, I think I recognized I was holding on by a thread. A relationship shouldn’t start in that manner… who was I truly kidding here?

step 3) counter the trigger. Deal with the emotion in healthy way. Or do something to keep my mind off of it. Okay, so I know that the more healthy way to deal is with a good workout. I NEED A GOOD SWEAT SESH. I know that this could curb my apetite and also make me feel less sad. Send out some endorphin flow. SO WHY NOT?! Because sadness makes me sooooo tired. I am tired. I want to crawl in bed and stay there…. with my pie. Me and my pie forever. Take a nap, take a slice, take a nap, take a slice. With a magazine. ooooh or with HIMYM! yes! wait. SNAP OUT OF IT!

I’m recognizing all my self destruct buttons being set off. I see it all downward spiraling. I feel like recognizing it isn’t doing me any good. Knowing the trigger isn’t doing anything either… what step am I missing? Maybe I’ll never conquer this if I don’t ever find that missing step.

Melissa, If you are reading this… please call me and give me a slap over the phone for even thinking about this!! (Melissa is my sister and only 1 of only 2 people that can connect my name to this blog.)

Is it Friday yet??

July 17, 2015

It’s as if my mind knew the kind of week it was going to be. It was as if something in me knew I’d have a terrible week before I had reason to actually call it a terrible week.

Monday came with more than its usual dread. I could’ve cried at the drop of a hat for no reason at all. Just this layer of emotion that I couldn’t explain. I wasn’t on my period. I wasn’t about to be on my period. It’s one of those rare weeks I was suppose to be hormonally normal.

Tuesday I felt less like crying but still I was unenthused about anything. Which is a lot different from my normal happy, peppy self. My best friend came over for some sushi delivery and hookah and Grey’s anatomy on Netflix. I was almost feeling normal with such a good night.

Then my reason for bad week showed up. A break up text from a guy I’d been seeing for the past month. A month and 4 days to be exact. In my mind it was a good month. A happy month. An almost too easy of a month. 10 messages came thru before I could wrap my mind around it. Room spinning, Denny dying on Grey’s anatomy, nicotine from the hookah didn’t help.

The messages went thru the normal listing of my good qualities, and well wishes for my life, and the its-me-not-you… standard stuff. It sucked. No one likes being rejected… especially not blind sided rejection.

Two hours later he’s calling me. “Can I take back everything I said?” “Um… which part? my good qualities or the dumping?” Fair question I thought. The conversation was more than a little confusing.

Wednesday, thru the course of the day I realizing he’s back tracking on his take back. So at this point he’s halfway took back the original take back…. don’t worry if you can’t keep up here… There just aren’t any answers. And no rationale should be atempted in this moment… thank the good lord I recognize this.

THe rest of the week followed suit. So he continues to text and communicate with me… I avoid initiating anything because I don’t know if I’m single or not at this point. Just kind of waiting on a decision from him. Or maybe he’s waiting on me to say “fuck this shit” and throw up my dueces. I DON’T KNOW!

For the most part I’m staying calm and patient. I’m not in a hurry. I don’t have reason to be I guess. I know I don’t deserve this wishy washy stuff. But also its hard to walk away from a good month.

But to cherry top the rest of my week I dropped my phone in the toilet, trash dripped some sort of liquid while I was taking it out on my way to work – already running late…. Had to take my pup to get his yearly shots… hard to watch, but I don’t trust him enough to not be there… making sure they muzzle before poking at him.

Thursday I had to go to his roommates birthday party that I basically planned. (I knew his roommate prior to our relationship.) That was difficult. But I made it thru with only the minimal stabbing comments on our “relationship” status.

I’m really glad my weekend consists of going to see a friend and getting out of town. I’m going to put my limbo status on hold for the weekend and just enjoy the company of an old friend.

TGIF!

Being Confident Without Being Arrogant

July 6, 2015

2HelpfulGuys

We naturally assume that when someone has problems with confidence, it’s that they don’t have enough of it. But this isn’t always true.

Confidence, like most other traits, is a spectrum. You can have too little, which results in a low self esteem, or you can have too much which results in arrogance.
You can say hubris if you want to sound polite and fancy.

The key is to have a healthy confidence. Like the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears you shouldn’t have too much or too little, but just enough.

Having a low self esteem can make you hate yourself, but being arrogant can make everyone else hate you.

Having a low self esteem can lead to:
Self sabotage, poor relationship and social skills, lack of assertiveness, neediness or dependence, and when it gets really bad it can lead to things like eating disorders and self harm.

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Worth (Priorities part II)

July 1, 2015

I feel like this deserved a part two after a discussion with yet another good friend brought on the completeness of this light bulb moment from yesterday.

While yesterday i understood that some people keep their relationships on a different line of their priority list than I, today I realized why I’m rocking the boat recently with a few of what I consider to be deeper relationships in my life.

As I grow older and gain perspective and get to know myself in a more accepting and loving way, I realize my worth. I realize what I deserve and I put up with less bullshit from others around me that seem to care way less than I do.

So, along with me valuing my relationships more, i’m also demanding more. The side effect of these great revelations that I’m putting into practice without even realizing it is a thinning circle of friends.

And you know what? I’m am okay with that. I have excellent people in my life. They add to and enrich my life. They make me happy and feel whole and complete. I can afford to trim the fat. I can afford to hold a higher standard.

Maybe this is only a self preservation tactic, saving myself from the pain I spoke of yesterday… Maybe it’s just justification for letting friendships die… I don’t know, but I know I am okay with this. I am very very okay with this.

So let the pain come and let the pain lessen. And let me re-evaluate some people in my life. Bring it on, life. For this is growing older. This is growing wiser. This is taking what I deserve. This is holding myself up. Respecting and loving me… and allowing the love that I have to be washed over those that stick around.