friend confusion

I’ve had some come-to-jesus moments when it comes to my best friend in the last few weeks…. Let me start with the positives.

I LOVE this girl. She NEVER judges me. She knows all the scandalous and shameful things i’ve ever done. I like having that person I talk to several times a week. I like that all I really have to do is catch her up on the last 24 hours. It’s so easy. She gives me advice. She doesn’t hate me when I don’t take it. But I do sometimes and I never regret that. She lets me know when I’m being crazy and if I’m way off base or no longer living in reality. She lets me keep my hope if it doesn’t hurt anyone, but she grounds me as well when she knows she needs to. She just knows when I need one or the other. She cares about my feelings and feels my pain. Shares in my happiness. One of my favorite people on the planet. IN THE UNIVERSE AND BEYOND!

But lately…. I must admit I’m seeing all the warts and feeling the pain of her negative qualities. And they are overshadowing her good.

She sees no problem in manipulating me for the outcome she wants. Some times she doesn’t even recognize that she is doing it. She’ll twist the truth to satisfy me or talk me into things… even tho I’ll find out if I don’t already suspect. And should I really suspect she is lying about certain things… SHe’s clingy. REALLY clingy. Which is fine if she currently has a boyfriend… because her first choice (mine also) is to cling to him. But if there isn’t a ‘him’ then I get the pleasure.

And I love chilling out with her and spending time with her, but I NEED MY ALONE TIME. And she never needs it. She calls me on the way home from work and doesn’t mind showing up afterwork til bedtime… every day. I get tired. I need sleep. I absolutely do not function well with poor sleep habits for multiple days in a row. And she has no problem keeping me up past midnight every night. It wears me out. I have to tell her no just so I can get a free night to watch netflix, and go to bed early.

She throws me under the bus when she needs to, usually its with her mom or a boyfriend. She’ll expose to my flaws and my shameful choices (the ones that we should be keeping secret for each other because of the best friend code) to prove she is better than me… even if she has to flat out lie about it. Her mom HATES me because of the picture she paints of me to her mom to save her own ass. I don’t think I could EVER do that.

Recently I had a traumatic experience – I was sexually assaulted – and instead of comforting me like I expected from her she blamed the fact that I turned her down to an invitation to hang out. “If you would’ve hung out with me that wouldn’t have happened. And honestly it makes me feel bad that you won’t hang out with me.” I was cut to the core. Insult added to injury! I’ll have you know this particular week I hung out with her 4 out of 7 days. I don’t know that I can forgive her for this reaction. It’s something that looks awfully close to the last straw…. Who makes their friends traumatic experience about themselves? My mind was BLOWN!

But I can’t seem to give her up. I feel like I need her. And she was a rockstar for me thru my divorce. She made sure I was getting out there… that I wasn’t sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. She pulled me out and held me up. She gave me things in those terrible months that I didn’t even know I needed.

Maybe I just need to vent. I don’t know that I can ever be okay with her manipulation which treads awfully close to lying… and her putting me down to others when it behooves her. sigh… my heart is a little broken by her… and I want to forgive her, but do I need to start creating some distance… maybe place a few more boundaries up? Or just go on and love her despite herself? We all have flaws… these are just the ones I should look past? I need to meditate on this more. I’m sad that I’m even having to contemplate about her in this manner. I need some advice.

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