self aware

I am so terrified of embarrassing myself I have perfected the self awareness art. As soon as I’m outside of my apartment I conduct myself as tho someone is watching. I avoid the wedgy dig, the nose pick, I even cover up my yawn if i’m driving in my car. I mean… I really just live like I’m in junior high and a bully is watching my every step waiting for me to slip up to laugh and point at any little thing.

Now, I realize I have crossed over the selfawareness line into the paranoia side of life. And this might be kind of unhealthy… maybe even getting in the way of “letting go” and being myself some times. I just know that moment that I find a corner where I think no one is around to relieve some gas someone will appear out of no where to my absolute HORROR and I’d shrivel up and die on the spot. Dead. Gone. Nice knowing ya!

Just when i start thinking I need to loosen up. That I need to just live and let live and not care about some stupid nobody laughing at something only sort of embarrassing, something happens to make me remember why I am the way I am.

I was driving home work yesterday. I glance in my rear view mirror and the driver behind me, a middle aged man, is going at his nose like his life depended on it! It wasn’t the two second swipe at your nose to make sure your nose isn’t running… He just kept DIGGING and digging and digging… I mean he looked like his life MUST BE HANGING IN THE BALANCE. It must’ve been… Whatever he was after was going to save his life! I couldn’t help but laugh out loud alone in my car right in front of him. And of course, my self awared self immediately knocked the snicker off my face because I thought that he’d see me and then HE would be embarrassed… and since I’m so terrified of embarrassment i’m extremely sympathetic to the embarrassment of others! But clearly this man didn’t know that anyone existed past his windshield. Did I just become that bully in junior high?

So, I shall continue in this life living as gracefully in the public eye as my clumsy self will allow. No random driver will be laughing at me!

Hm… I GUESS there are worse things in life.

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