Archive for June, 2015

Priorities

June 30, 2015

I feel like a lot of events happen in our life and we don’t see or feel the significance of them until later… till after the dust settles. Then you look back on those times and see what you learned and be grateful for the experience.

Right now is not one of those moments. It’s not one that I need to wait to look on. I see this intersection as plain as myself in the mirror. This is a defining moment.

I’ve had a few friend issues lately. Multiple friends. These issues are propagating from a few people I’d consider to be my “deeper” relationships. It makes me question all the way down to the relationships’ foundation. And not just the foundation of those individual friendships, but to the whole way I go about picking, forming, grooming, and pruning (or lack of pruning) my friends.

I’ve come to realize the value I place on the people in my life. And the bond I have with them. I’ve more importantly come to realize that not all people place this much weight on said relationships. And it’s been through heart break after heart break that I’m finally coming to see this… and actually I didn’t even see it on my own. A friend that I was chatting out these “issues” with suggested it… and It was the biggest light bulb I’ve had since my first week at my first job when I realized saying “I don’t know” is the smartest thing you can say.

We all have a value system. And its all just a list of priorities. This whole friendship deal… That one is high on my list. Other people have their priorities in another order. And it doesn’t make it wrong. It just makes it painful for me at times. But what am I doing that is paining them? Maybe I’m belittling one of their higher priorities. Gah! I sure hope I don’t hurt someone the way I’m hurting right now.

Anyway, this intersection of my life: What will I do with my light bulb moment? Do I cast off the “friends” with a priority list that is completely different than mine? Do I settle for friends that don’t give anything, while I do my circus, hoop jumping act on a regular basis? I don’t know. I don’t know what is right. Maybe there’s a balance I have to find. I do know that I’m in pain today. I’m not scared of pain… but, who wouldn’t rather not be in pain? Do my priories mean that I have to settle on my friendships?

I don’t know… I just know I’m at a cross roads. And I also think I need to change something. But I’m not sure what, and I don’t know to what extent.

And I’m trying not to throw too much of a pity party about it, but I’m really trying to meditate on what I can truly do to either “fix” it or what perspective I need to change to shift it.

Thinking out loud today….

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my goal

June 26, 2015

I don’t want to change the world, start a revolution, or unlock the mystery to world peace. It’s not in me. Its not the touch I want on the world. None of these things drive me.

I want to be known as a good friend. A loyal friend. A fun friend. But most importantly, I want to be that friend that you can tell your dirty little secrets too, and laugh about it with together. I want to be the friend that makes you feel like you can kick off your shoes and prop up your feet. I want to be someone that others can chill with, be themselves with, and love themselves with. This is my pleasure in life.

I love hearing about a mishap, a goof, a “let me tell you how dumb I am” story – because they know they won’t be judged by unloading this story in my ear. We can laugh. we can learn. we can love. Someone that you can bounce the stupid questions, the irrational fears, the weird feelings you have towards people and ideas off of. Bounce off those things that make individuals feel awful, horrid, abnormal, and psycho. Hash out all these insecurities… maybe even shed some light on things, or just make you feel more comfortable with yourself despite all those things…. or make you feel normal because of all those things.

I want to be the friend that feels like no effort is given. That you feel like you’ve spent nothing to be around. That you don’t dread. That when I’m in need, you want to help, not because you owe it, but because your heart tugs you.

This is all I wish for myself in life. Just this small touch in other’s lives.

I just love being that person you can be yourself with. People are pretty awesome, but we sometimes miss that because we are so worried about keeping it together for everyone.

I don’t even want to be the friend that you miss so much when you’re not around, but the friend that when you see, realize you miss them. Have you ever done that? Gone about life, giving close to no thought about someone, but as soon as you see them your heart floods instantly – bubbles over because you adore and love this person?

I want this for my life. This is my goal.

He’s pleased

June 19, 2015

Hands behind my back held there only by the knowledge that if I put them else where I’d be punished. I’d be a disappointment. I hold them there. I am led toward the other corner of the room. He leads from behind so he can watch me. I’m am giddy with excitement and stiff with fear. One foot in front of the other. Not knowing exactly where he wants me. I make sure to feel his guiding like a train track. Staying the course because he needs it that way. His need for obedience is perfectly matched with my need to please him. I’m desperate for his words of praise. It fills me. I smile.

We stop… under the door frame. He turns me around. leaving my back to him. He disappears. Where did he go? I know not to move. Delighted I know not to move. I know where he wants me without words. This makes us both happy. I make us both happy.

I hear him open something… I smile. I don’t know this sound and it makes me all the more excited. What is it? I’m still smiling. My back still to him. I hear him make a noise. It’s a combination of excitement and laughter… a short staccato sound coming from deep within him with so much meaning. He is as excited as I am. That sound… he knows what he is going to do. Knows I do not. And this spurs him on all the more. His movements become quicker, but still in control. Every move still 100% on purpose. Foot steps get closer to me.

“Turn. Hands.” I turn. I hold out my hands to him. The first time I dare move them since we started. With skilled hands he effortlessly binds them together. It’s perfect. I couldn’t escape if I tried, yet, it’s comforting. It stirs the nerve endings over my entire body. I can feel all he wants to do and all that is about to happen as if my skin can see the future. I try to guess what will be first. I can’t. But this makes it better. Every part of me is already jealous of the attention my wrists are getting.

He turns me again. His arms are around me. I’m lit on fire. My hands are pulled above my head. extended just before taught. More tying. But this time to the fixture above the doorframe that’s been unnoticed.

He moves my body… pulling me down as far as the rope will let me, spreading my legs as far apart as the door frame allows. I’m completely outstretched.

He runs his hands down both sides of my body… making involuntary approving sounds as he feels my skin get prickly from the goose pumps. He knows I’m scared. He feels my nerves. He knows I want this as badly as he does.

He takes his caress from me. He’s gone again. He loves knowing I’m at his mercy. I feel his excitement as he feels my fear. The emotions feeding each other… growing exponentially.

Where is he? The shower turns on. He’s left me there to squirm as much as possible with the movements he made sure i didn’t have. This has the intended effect. My excitement continues to build.

The shower turns off. Curtain pulled back. Towel rack sings. He’s moving slow. On purpose. Everything on purpose. He enters the room. He approaches me from behind. Stops just short of me. I can feel his warmth. Hear him breath. Smell the aroma of the shower still on him.

He touches my back. It isn’t skin.

Mmmm. Leather.

My breath catches with the knowledge. He leans in, knowing i know… whispers in my ear. touching his damp face to my shoulder. My breath catches again, but this time accompanied by a violent quiver down my body. He revels in my reaction. He’s pleased.

twins, nieces, and dreams

June 18, 2015

My sister is in town!!! And while I have moments that I DESPERATELY miss her, the biggest joy of her visits as of the last few years is getting to spend time with my niece. She is a tea cup sized me. AND SO ADORABLE (if I do say so myself)!

Me and my sister are fraternal twins. And her daughter is my replica. I always wanted a little girl that looks like me.

The fact that my sister had her is truly bitter/sweet. First and foremost I got a mini me without actually having to destroy any part of my body to bring her into the world. Sorry, sis, but thanks for doing me this solid! But secondly, I wasn’t the one that got to feel her flutters and kicks from within and selfishly/selflessly hoard her all to myself for 9 months…

Maybe one day I’ll have a tea cup sized twin cousin for this little gal. Or now that I think on it, maybe my new dream is to have a tea cup sized human that looks like my twin sis 🙂

To be with you

June 16, 2015

writing

June 12, 2015

I love what it feels like to write. There’s something so releasing about it. My mind is completely focused on the next words that will spill out. At the same time, sometimes it feels like my fingers type all on their own. go. go. go. Soemthing witty, something funny, something relateable.

It matters not how good I am at it. My purpose isn’t to be perfect or famous. Just to get thoughts out. To use my mind in a way that makes me feel whole. I wish I could do a better job explaining this.

Words. They have some how come to be one of my favorite things since starting this blog. Maybe it was always my favorite and I just didn’t know. Maybe it was always a passion of mine.

The cathartic property of writing: it is perfectly satisfying. Being me. Completely. Showing my moods with no filter. Giving a piece of me to the world whether they know it or not. I enjoy binging on my own blogs ever so often. Reading where my mind was in that moment. Seeing progression or seeing some sort of change… Usually its a progressive change – something for the better.

Happy Friday fellow bloggers! Let the ramble flow with you today 🙂

friend confusion

June 12, 2015

I’ve had some come-to-jesus moments when it comes to my best friend in the last few weeks…. Let me start with the positives.

I LOVE this girl. She NEVER judges me. She knows all the scandalous and shameful things i’ve ever done. I like having that person I talk to several times a week. I like that all I really have to do is catch her up on the last 24 hours. It’s so easy. She gives me advice. She doesn’t hate me when I don’t take it. But I do sometimes and I never regret that. She lets me know when I’m being crazy and if I’m way off base or no longer living in reality. She lets me keep my hope if it doesn’t hurt anyone, but she grounds me as well when she knows she needs to. She just knows when I need one or the other. She cares about my feelings and feels my pain. Shares in my happiness. One of my favorite people on the planet. IN THE UNIVERSE AND BEYOND!

But lately…. I must admit I’m seeing all the warts and feeling the pain of her negative qualities. And they are overshadowing her good.

She sees no problem in manipulating me for the outcome she wants. Some times she doesn’t even recognize that she is doing it. She’ll twist the truth to satisfy me or talk me into things… even tho I’ll find out if I don’t already suspect. And should I really suspect she is lying about certain things… SHe’s clingy. REALLY clingy. Which is fine if she currently has a boyfriend… because her first choice (mine also) is to cling to him. But if there isn’t a ‘him’ then I get the pleasure.

And I love chilling out with her and spending time with her, but I NEED MY ALONE TIME. And she never needs it. She calls me on the way home from work and doesn’t mind showing up afterwork til bedtime… every day. I get tired. I need sleep. I absolutely do not function well with poor sleep habits for multiple days in a row. And she has no problem keeping me up past midnight every night. It wears me out. I have to tell her no just so I can get a free night to watch netflix, and go to bed early.

She throws me under the bus when she needs to, usually its with her mom or a boyfriend. She’ll expose to my flaws and my shameful choices (the ones that we should be keeping secret for each other because of the best friend code) to prove she is better than me… even if she has to flat out lie about it. Her mom HATES me because of the picture she paints of me to her mom to save her own ass. I don’t think I could EVER do that.

Recently I had a traumatic experience – I was sexually assaulted – and instead of comforting me like I expected from her she blamed the fact that I turned her down to an invitation to hang out. “If you would’ve hung out with me that wouldn’t have happened. And honestly it makes me feel bad that you won’t hang out with me.” I was cut to the core. Insult added to injury! I’ll have you know this particular week I hung out with her 4 out of 7 days. I don’t know that I can forgive her for this reaction. It’s something that looks awfully close to the last straw…. Who makes their friends traumatic experience about themselves? My mind was BLOWN!

But I can’t seem to give her up. I feel like I need her. And she was a rockstar for me thru my divorce. She made sure I was getting out there… that I wasn’t sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. She pulled me out and held me up. She gave me things in those terrible months that I didn’t even know I needed.

Maybe I just need to vent. I don’t know that I can ever be okay with her manipulation which treads awfully close to lying… and her putting me down to others when it behooves her. sigh… my heart is a little broken by her… and I want to forgive her, but do I need to start creating some distance… maybe place a few more boundaries up? Or just go on and love her despite herself? We all have flaws… these are just the ones I should look past? I need to meditate on this more. I’m sad that I’m even having to contemplate about her in this manner. I need some advice.

self aware

June 4, 2015

I am so terrified of embarrassing myself I have perfected the self awareness art. As soon as I’m outside of my apartment I conduct myself as tho someone is watching. I avoid the wedgy dig, the nose pick, I even cover up my yawn if i’m driving in my car. I mean… I really just live like I’m in junior high and a bully is watching my every step waiting for me to slip up to laugh and point at any little thing.

Now, I realize I have crossed over the selfawareness line into the paranoia side of life. And this might be kind of unhealthy… maybe even getting in the way of “letting go” and being myself some times. I just know that moment that I find a corner where I think no one is around to relieve some gas someone will appear out of no where to my absolute HORROR and I’d shrivel up and die on the spot. Dead. Gone. Nice knowing ya!

Just when i start thinking I need to loosen up. That I need to just live and let live and not care about some stupid nobody laughing at something only sort of embarrassing, something happens to make me remember why I am the way I am.

I was driving home work yesterday. I glance in my rear view mirror and the driver behind me, a middle aged man, is going at his nose like his life depended on it! It wasn’t the two second swipe at your nose to make sure your nose isn’t running… He just kept DIGGING and digging and digging… I mean he looked like his life MUST BE HANGING IN THE BALANCE. It must’ve been… Whatever he was after was going to save his life! I couldn’t help but laugh out loud alone in my car right in front of him. And of course, my self awared self immediately knocked the snicker off my face because I thought that he’d see me and then HE would be embarrassed… and since I’m so terrified of embarrassment i’m extremely sympathetic to the embarrassment of others! But clearly this man didn’t know that anyone existed past his windshield. Did I just become that bully in junior high?

So, I shall continue in this life living as gracefully in the public eye as my clumsy self will allow. No random driver will be laughing at me!

Hm… I GUESS there are worse things in life.

second date

June 3, 2015

He only talked about work. No. He only complained about work. And it’s not juicy exciting complaining… it’s boring admin/paper work complaining. My director this, my notes this, missed my deadline. blah blah blah. I coudn’t even focus after a few minutes. I tried follow up questions that would take it from complaining to future plans or really anywhere but paper work, but it didn’t work. He told me himself that he was a boring guy… Maybe I should’ve listened.

Then he wanted to start a make out session… I’m not one to turn this down, but I am one to keep it tame if I feel less than appreciated. And when I don’t know how a guy feels about me, but he wants to make out… maybe more… and I’m not on the same page… then it’s pretty easy to keep it rated pg-13. Sorry… I’m not at all against quick starts or even one night stands, but thats not what I was looking for from this guy. So it threw me off when he tried to skip a few steps. Has me wondering what his end game was the whole time.

Don’t get me wrong… good kisser, and he knew what he was doing… great combo… just not feeling it.

Oh well. Thinking this one is game over.