Archive for May, 2015

Yet another first date

May 29, 2015

The date was mediocre… Nothing particularly bad. Nothing particularly good. By the end of the night I could’ve walked away or gone along with making plans if he wanted. I rambled on like crazy. I guess I was just a little bit nervous. But normal one-on-one for the first time jitters. It was raining and I had an hour drive ahead of me. It was time to go. He walked me to my car. In the rain. Hugged me good bye… He had his hands placed lower on my sides than would be considered innocent. But I like being held like that. I like when a guy handles me in a natural way to him, that lines up perfectly with the natural way I like, like fitting into a space that you didn’t think to try before.

He pulled away just slightly from the hug enough to lean down to kiss me. In the rain. I love a good rain kiss. I didn’t expect this. and then it hit me. The scent. His scent. I haven’t experienced this with anyone except for my ex husband. My ex had a scent that instantly intoxicated me. I was instantly melting… and I caught this scent. Like, a made for me scent. Hooked. Curiosity spiked. The kiss lasted only a few seconds. Nothing too scandalous, but i definitely leaned in after catching it.

That was a good drive home. I’m not saying that this means anything in particular, just that it was good moment. And our next date is already in the calendar.

I laugh at myself when an episode of Dinosaurs, a show I use to watch as a kid, popped in my head. This episode was about the daughter getting her scent… The moment she becomes a woman basically. It’s only pleasant to THE ONE, her “future mate for life”, and not so pleasing to others. and the custodian at her school catches her scent. She spends the rest of the episode on a journey to change her scent… but I digress. What is it called in the animal kingdom?? Pheromones? Ha. Better stop this rambling before it gets even worse! 🙂

have a good Friday!

“moving on”

May 19, 2015

I found a blog yesterday.

https://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/87994862/

Its a bereavement blog. A guy lost his wife in February of this year. Its about his grief Journey. Of course, I HAD to go back to the beginning. I’m finally getting caught up. I can not imagine having someone ripped from me in this life that i was so intwined with. First off, I can’t imagine being so intwined. Divorcing someone is one thing… you kind of untwine then divorce… but… to lose someone while still in the grips of “in love”? I can’t fathom. She was 43. They had been married a year… and only known each other for 2 and half years.

His whole blog is about what “moving on” might mean. How one can fine a “new normal” and “get on” with life. How does one keep living when their reason for living is no more. There is NO relief for this man’s heart break. Every second of every day. pain pain pain.

Are we suppose to do this in relationships? Make a person your universe? make them your everything? I knwo that i personally can’t handle that kind of pressure. but is that just because i’ve never been there? Is this what it takes? I can’t imagine.

I see (very few) couples where they are two halves of a whole. They really do function better together. Not just better, but they keep each other tuned up. Keep each other moving. Their significant other is the reason for every single action they decide to take.

Am I too selfish to find this kind of love in my life time? Is this love for every one? Is this just a certain type of personality? Maybe all these questions mean I haven’t found “the one”. If that is real… and just me voicing doubt right there is my point. can’t imagine.

I would like that. I think. I don’t know. Could I handle that pressure. Can one person on this planet shift my priorities so much so that I become the non-selfish person that i’m not today?

I’m truly just rambling today. Thoughts?

Day 1

May 13, 2015

My binge eating has been out of this world out of control. And my urge to compensate via exercise is way less than it use to… this means weight gain. and fast. Good news is I know that if I can turn it around I can turn it around quickly. If i spend just 10 days watching what I eat and drink then i’m right back to where i started and even better.

10 days….

of not binging…

That is impossible. I can barely get 1 full day lately…

Why? where is this stemming from? What is so chaotic in my life that I can’t handle it?

Family, ex, risidual guy interest that seems to worm its way in in my vulnerable moments. Then hating myself for that. Fighting that fact that I AM better. Or maybe just want to be better.

A desire should lead to things. A desire to eat less. To force a man to respect me. A desire for my family to leave my ex on the other side of the past. I don’t know. Seems like if I want, then i can do, or force a change. But that’s not true, is it?

I just need 10 days… to feel me again. to feel better about me. to spend loving on myself with good quality food and good quality exercise.

I started the beach body insanity yesterday. It was good. Hard. Room for 60 days worth of improvement. I have high hopes for that. But at the same time, if i can’t go one day without defeating my emotions and its urges? I’m my own sabotage.

May has already exhausted me

May 8, 2015

my week thus far:

cinco de drinko. carne asada, tequila, salsa, and a fire pit. great night. Perfect weather. good friends.

cinco de hungover-o…. I never miss work because of a hangover. It’s one of those things that you do to yourself, so you man up and get your arse to work to at least appear like you are there. suffer the consequences like a man. But not this day. This day I truly suffered. I stayed in bed til 1pm… ate two pieces of bread by 4pm… then ordered pizza and devoured it. It happens.

almost running out of gas in a town I was lost in… talk about panic. I never plan this badly. I was a mess.

fighting with a best friend for two days… crying for 24 hours straight. would’ve been nice if the day i stayed home from work aligned with this 24 hours… but no… stars didn’t align anywhere this week to make that kind of sense.

my version of night and shining armor, being swept off my feet… drunken best friend stumbling into my apartment for a make-up hug. Good thing i was fully dressed and freshly showered, looking fabulous… wait… no, the stars didn’t align there either. I was actually just finishing a workout in my living room… sweat pouring from my very red face and seeping thru my gray t-shirt.

Moving day

May 4, 2015

“Is it okay if I move in with Jeff?”

“Um… Jeff? My ex, Jeff?”

“Yeah. Just wanted to check with you. I already asked him. He’s cool with it.”

“Um…”

“I don’t have money. I plan on getting a job after graduation. But right now I can’t afford an apartment. And all my fraternity brothers are headed out of town for the summer. No one is sticking around for me to room with.”

“I mean…. If you have no other option. I kind of hate that. It hurts my feelings. I understand the practicality of it all. I’m a rational person, but could you keep looking for other options?”

“Well, if it hurts your feelings then I’ll make something else work.”

“Thanks, bro. I appreciate it.”

2 months later…

“Hey, sis. I need some man power today. Think you could help me move?”

“Are you serious? I can do it. But would like you to be mindful about requests like that in the future. It’s not easy moving my brother to my old house. With my ex.”

“WOW. Sorry that was really inconsiderate of me.”

Sigh… “Just think about it in the future. I’ll be there in an hour.”

IS HE KIDDING AT ALL! NOT AT ALL! What from that first conversation makes him ‘not even think about that’. Do I NOT look human? Do I look like a robot with no feelings? Because that is my only explaination for being so disregarded. BY MY OWN FAMILY!

I really, truly don’t feel like a push over. I just really wanted to be able to help him. But… I don’t know. I’m constantly conflicted when it comes to my family and their current relationship with my ex. But what can I do if that is what they choose? I can only say so much. I don’t think a little consideration from a sibling/parent is too much to ask. I really really don’t.

I didn’t have any other plans that day. I happen to have gotten all my chores out of the way that particular Sunday. It kind of worked out perfectly… except for his new address. I wanted to be able to help him. To be a good sister about it… I’m nice like that. “Nice.” It’s almost a bad word these days, right? Can’t be nice if you are looking out for yourself? I like nice. I like being nice. I like the fact that people know they can count on me. I won’t stop doing that because somewhere along the lines someone takes advantage of me without even realizing it.

He thinks it is temporary… He said he only needed a place to be for a month, but even if he got a job today he wouldn’t have his first paycheck for another 4 weeks. And I doubt his first paycheck will be enough to cover the first month of rent and all deposits… He’ll be there all summer and beyond… watch. I’m calling it now.

It’s actually a funny situation… if you aren’t me.

At least it was a good workout. Lots of sweating on a beautiful day. I like feeling productive. <– how’s that for silver lining.

A secret exposed

May 1, 2015

I have that itch to blog. To let thoughts flow from my finger tips, but I don’t know what to say. Lets go with it.

A secret I haven’t told anyone: Because it’s embarrassing at f*ck. So, a guy I was dating back in the fall (there is a blog dedicated to his craziness) came over after work…. Lets step back for a second. He worked the second shift and sometimes 7 days a week. Falcon works their technicians to the bone. It really isn’t fair. They make promises to clients they can’t possibly keep unless they do so. Anyway, we had to be flexible if we wanted to see each other ever. He was scheduled to be off work by midnight… but this always bled into the 2 o’clock hour.

Now, I have to be at my desk in the morning at 7am. Not sure why I let this routine become what it did…. but he’d come over after his shift. I’d leave the door unlocked. He’d come in we’d get some skin on skin for the rest of the night. Both of us too tired for anything else. But satisfied to just to be in the same room. Anyway, one of these nights he came in with a 6 pack. I found this extremely odd. Where do you get a six pack at 2am? and why are you half way thru it by the time you get here? This should have been RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG! But i’m the ever trusting naive hopeful. He crawled in bed. Spooned to sleep. This was a friday night so we actually got to sleep in.

It was morning… the light coming in thru the curtains. Got my guy next to me. More time to sleep. Pretty perfect scene. But then I hear something…. Sounds like someone turned on the facet. What? Wait… HOLY SHIT! This dude is peeing in MY bed! WTF. NOT OKAY! How old is he?!?!?! He doesn’t budge. He doesn’t notice. He doesn’t even register anything going on right now. I’m embarrassed for him. I have no idea what to do. NONE. AND HE’S STILL GOING. HOLY SHIT!

I’m a non-confrontational, avoid embarrassment even if it means death, kind of person. I am at a complete loss. All I know is that I am not staying in this bed. My poor, poor previously unblemished bed!

I hop up. I leave him there. I grab my book and head to the couch. I’m less than reading and basically just praying this guy will wake up and know how to difuse this inevitably embarrassing moment of dealing with this issue. Yes, it’s an issue. Do I sound dramatic right now? because I assure you, I was more freaking out in my head than i can protray thru this blog.

When he FINALLY emerges from my bedroom I’m slightly relieved and majorly bracing myself. “I’m just going to come out and say it.” OH THANK GOD! Even tho part of me hoped he get up and leave and i could take care of it without a conversation about it. What is wrong with me?! “This has happened before.” WHAT?!!??!?! “I know how to clean it.” He then proceeds to use all my baking soda and uses the vacuum. It’s just one of those… do i help him clean up HIS pee off MY bed? I let him do his thing knowing I’ll do whatever he is doing plus 5 other remedies (my brother did this til he was 12) at least 3 more times.

Come to find out a few months later after we are no longer dating he has checked himself into rehab. I didn’t realize he was a drunk. There were signs, and I was completely oblivious to them.

We met for coffee last week (as friends, i have ZERO intention of starting things back up with this guy). He just received his 90 sobriety pin. Good for him.

Sigh… secret out. It’s even stressful retelling this story. I know, drama queen much?! Can’t help it. It hit me hard. So unprepared for this dating scene. Geez. I don’t even care if this is overreacting.

HAPPY FRIDAY, ALL!