Archive for April, 2015

regret

April 22, 2015

There’s not a lot that I instantly regret. Not a lot of things I do that later I feel like i was out of line. why?

Because I think and think and think and think about every single tiny or large decision of my life. I usually weigh everything. I don’t pull the trigger on anything till I know 100% that i should’ve done it yesterday…

So this feeling, this unrest, I feel about a particular trigger I pulled is completely foreign to me. Was it right? was it wrong? I don’t even know. So now I ponder why I was so hasty. Why did i feel the need to make a move. Maybe I was itching to make a move and maybe i was so antsy about it that I made the wrong one. I don’t know. But its done. So, now I sit with my own unsettled heart.

always something

April 20, 2015

So, I went back home this weekend for a baby shower for my brother and his wife. It was fun. Lots of old friends to hug and catch up with. It was at my old church… Saw a lot of people from my old congregation… and these people were old when i was 11… so I was almost surprised to see a few up and about and as energetic as ever.

I have made peace with the fact that I’m not celebrating my own child being born into this world. I know it’ll be a long time before I get to have my turn at that. But what i didn’t brace myself for, what i had no idea to expect was cluing people in on the fact that I am divorced. I had no idea people were  still in the dark about it. I did not brace myself to combat the question “Where’s your hubby today?”

There’s always something connecting me to him still. One day I hope this isn’t the case. Unexpectedly hard. I have come so far, yet, there’s still a journey I am on. And I feel like a whole person. I feel like I’ve rediscovered myself. I feel good about life… but there’s this shadow looming…. One day i hope to have conquered this.

speechless

April 7, 2015

Lord, I have no words. Please, just take it from my soul.

trending

April 4, 2015

Last night I was on my way to a baseball game.

Rewind for a sec: I’ve spent the last few weeks in some sort of funk. And really I get a little mad at times where I’m in a funk and it isn’t hormone related… I mean seriously? I am going to have at least 2 days a month that I am check-myself-into-a-mental-hospital depressed just because I was born a woman. Don’t get me started on how unfair this is. ANYWAY! I’ve been truly sad. The stressors of life were getting to me, and I couldn’t do my normal shake-if-off impression of Taylor Swift that I am normally a professional at. And not in a bottle-it-up sort of way but in a real way. A way that I can move on from a moment or situation with ease. No skin off my back. All is forgiven. It’s over and I won’t think about it again. I couldn’t get to the bottom of my sadness even tho I could definitely pinpoint a few building blocks.

Side note for a sec: I’m in the process of formulating an opinion one way or another that sad and happy are just a chemical reaction in our heads. I know that scientifically this is true… but is it the chicken or the egg? Are we sad because that is our reaction or are we sad because of some fluke going on in our body and our body is just completely fucking with us. I am getting way off subject here. I forget how much is in my head till I get my first cup of coffee going and open up my “new post” box.

Okay, so I’m headed to a baseball game. My little brother is in the passenger seat next to me and I realize, and it hits me like a brick, that I am truly happy in this moment. Almost Euphoric. My first instinct is to share that fact.

Let me ramble for a sec: For some reason my little brother – who really isn’t little at all and just turned 23, no… 22… 23? – turned off the radio… which in itself is quite out of character. This boy is a mix of Drake and Michael Buble and has some serious talent. Don’t tell him I said that because he already knows and my other siblings and I can’t afford for his ego to get any bigger. He holds the opinion (and I 100% agree) that car rides are meant for mini concerts of your favorite music. We talk for almost the entire trip which was about 2.5 hours with Memphis traffic when we finally pull into the parking deck. Both my brother and I are not very chatty individuals… it’s why I blog, not despite it. And he comments on this fact that the music has been off and we’ve been talking and he enjoyed it… in fact enjoyed it so much that he didn’t realize it had been so long.

Pure happiness. chicken or the egg. Was this chemical induced or a chemical reaction? Oh well… the world may never know. Well, actually science has probably figured it out long ago and I just don’t understand it.

Okay, back to the point here. I wanted to share the fact that I was happy. In this moment. Sitting in my car. I was blissful. And everyone needs to know it. Why was this a reaction? I mean, I understand the explosion and popularity of facebook shows that this is a normal human reaction. But is it a new trend in life? Like consuming too much sugar as a society because that is the trend of things? Wow, way off topic now… sugar discussion later – I know you are on pins and needles about that one. But why do we feel the need to have these feelings and experiences known? Why is it so overwhelming that I could put my life and the life of my baby brother in danger to send a text simply stating “It’s a good moment” or “I am so happy right now.” Why can’t we simply validate ourselves. Why can’t it be enough that right now, in this moment, perfection is reached in the not-so-balancing hormones in my brain?

I find it a flaw with us as humans in this day and age. I feel like it’s a mistake. I feel like it’s a bad habit. Yes, a bad habit. We need rehab. We need to figure out why we can’t just go through life loving the moments and enjoying things and not needing to do all this posting and tagging and hashtagging. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a big big fan of the #hashtag but I just wonder if there is something underlying in our society, in the trend of the day, that will come out in a few years to show some serious harm in our mental statutes. What are these long term effects of social media… and texting… and always having the world at our fingertips… always having the world’s validation at our fingertips. And I want that more than the next person. Nay, NEEEEED that. A scary thought to me. I don’t have answers… and maybe it is completely harmless. But I think I would like to take a step back and see if I can find myself enough for myself.

Does any of this makes sense?

being a grown-up

April 3, 2015

actual conversation with a co-worker

co-worker: do you have something sharp?  knife?

me: i have a butter knife and some scissors.

co-worker: sharp

me: what’s this for?

co-worker: digging out a splinter

me: nail clippers?

coworker:  …

me: i can’t help you

coworker (minutes later): got it

me: woot. let’s celebrate. with a nap.

my mom’s love line

April 1, 2015

My mom’s story….

She’s always been a God-fearing woman. More than most. She witnessed miracles… been a vessel to them… She has miraculous stories about being moved to lay her hands on a person in a crowd and cure them of an ailment. AMAZING stories. Unbelievable stories.

But time marched on. She grew up. She got married. She married my father at age 20. Being a girl raised on a farm in north west Arkansas, she was pretty naive to the world. Not just to in the sexual sense, but in every sense. This woman didn’t know that conditioner existed till I was 4 and a neighbor finally introduced her. AND THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT! I spent every morning with her trying to comb out my long, ratty, hair. Those were not fun moments. Not sure why my sister didn’t have these issues…. story of my life. But I digress.

When I was about 4 she gave birth to my baby brother. He was the baby of 5… This adjustment took my family a long time… and it wasn’t til I was older that I realized why. My brother is of Hawaiian decent… And my father was not.This was my mom’s one and only black spot on her life. She fell in love… and if you would’ve asked her before about 6 months ago, that man was the love of her life. Her one GRAND love affair. And she took solace in the fact that it was the greatest love affair of the history of the planet. That the love shared transcended the rest of her life. And just by having it for a time she could be sustained forever on it.

Time continued to march on. My mom focused on raising us kids. She was a full-time stay at home mother. My dad worked through the day and pretty much checked out of reality once he got home. He read. a lot. then we got a computer and the internet. and instead of reading he moved on to chat rooms. He was sucked into cyber world from the time I was 9 til I was 24… Then other things took his attention…

Looking back, I think I knew. I knew that cyber sex was a real demon in our household and to my parents’ marriage. I can’t honestly say how much of that was taken outside of the world wide web, but I wouldn’t be very surprised. 30 years later, when facts started coming out… when my dad’s sneakiness fell off the grid… he had been habitually cheating on my mother since day 1 of their marriage.

I used to think about how amazing he was to forgive my mother and adopt my brother…. now I realize he did it because (to him) it wasn’t that great of a sin… And why would he banish the mother of his 4 other children because of things he does all the time… and for less reasons than love.

So he started seeing someone in town. It became too obvious for my mother to sweep under the rug. She was finally feeling the effects of her marriage and lack thereof. She approached him. This is not my mothers normal mode of operation. My mom – queen of passive/aggressive. Queen of “everything is great”. Queen of normal and not rocking the boat. He apologized for what the situation “looked” like. That she was wrong. And that he was sorry that she felt that way and he would do better at making her feel better about it. “Nothing is going on between us.” Even tho she knew this wasn’t true, she gave him the opportunity to shut it down. She was gracious because she had been shown grace in the past by this man. He continued his affair. He wasn’t doing a great job of covering it up. She approached him 2 more times in 3 months time. Then, she left him.

He went a little crazy. Alcohol. Drugs. Girls. Trouble with the Law… which is quite a feat in small town Arkansas when you are the town’s one and only lawyer.

She settled in a new town and settled in for a 2 year divorce battle. He didn’t cooperate. He didn’t do anything he didn’t legally have to do. It was hard. Hard to watch, hard to help, hard to know that my father was capable of disregarding my mother so boldly…

So my mother… after 54 years of being taken care of by the men in her life (first her dad, then her husband) set out to take care of herself. Clueless, but determined. She started taking classes, found a job, found a church. She doesn’t know how not to be involved in a congregation in big ways. She threw herself into her hobbies and she became a whole person for the first time in her life.

She met someone. And not just any someone. A man who saw what she was. Who took great care to make sure that she knew how much care he wanted to take with her. From the first moment this guy was on the scene… he was in the scene. 6 very short months later they signed a lease together. And last Sunday HE PROPOSED!!! She is happy. She is in love. She has someone. No one is more deserving than this woman.