a clean start

I think that my divorce had less to do with the obvious act of infidelity on his end and more to do with me and setting off on a new journey. wipe clean MY transgression (not his) and move along with a fresh start. Do it differently. Make it better from the inside out. Not any other way.

I know some would have issues with the verbiage here. Don’t get caught up in the divorce itself. It happened people. Lots of reason and lots of realities that couldn’t be resolved… But as I process and think through this on certain days… It’s about me. Not about him. or about the “us” that use to be.

This is an opportunity for me. And it feels fantastic. I’m coming to that point where I’m taking off the weights. I’m peeling back a few layers. and I’m feeling a little lighter.

I didn’t realize how complacent I had become as a person. Just in every day things. A conversation with a stranger. Using my mind. Thinking through the things I need to do rather than let someone else take care of everything. You don’t become a whole person after a long term relationship ending because you have to try super hard… you do it because you no longer have that other half. Its a necessity. You do not get a choice.

I want the next life of mine to take this whole me… and mesh it together with whoever and whatever comes in. I don’t want to become dull and unmotivated and un-involved! I want to be fully aware. Fully there. I didn’t realize how much this wasn’t true in my marriage. What a weird sense of clarity to come to terms with that.

I am fun. I am interesting. I’m witty! Where did that one come from!??! These are adjectives I wouldn’t have used when talking about me while in the marriage. I felt quite the opposite! Boring. Nagging. Non-adventurous. Not particularly anything. Just some shade of gray that sits in the corner. Oh how that is NOT who I am!

This girl that I am… woman… I love her more and more. And I want to share her! I want to be part of someone’s life. Whether it be friends, coworkers, or a lover. I feel like I have adjectives to offer.

That’s enough rambling for now 🙂

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4 Responses to “a clean start”

  1. Helen K Says:

    and sometimes its the separation that allows you to remember and reclaim the kick ass woman you are. LOVE the blog 🙂

  2. melissadabney87 Says:

    why is it you think we lose ourselves when we are apart of someone else? What makes the “me” not so glamorous? I feel like it’s not just being with someone but that fact we are getting older and finding ourselves. Not that we didn’t have ourselves when we were together but that we are changing as a person. Growing older and realizing we are our own person. I know for me I feel this exact same way but it wasn’t becuase of a man. I was holding myself back. for whatever the reason it feels good to realize we are amazing humans beings with so much to offer. So much love to share. And from here on out no one can hold us nack, not even oursleve.

    Great thoughts

    • shelldab Says:

      Melissa, I don’t think that we “lose ourselves” so much as let someone else be more of a presence than we are. There is a reason why there are sayings like “two become one” or “other half”. It’s a natural state to do this with people. We are relational beings. It’s not a bad thing. It’s inevitable. But we do forget to hold tight to what makes us our awesome individual selves. We become complacent. Like I said, its just a part of human nature. Then you add in our perspective changes and our growing as a person as you said and it’s nearly impossible to hold on to ourselves… mainly because we don’t take the time to get to know who we are changing into. THen one day we wake up and we are completely confused, by ourselves, by the person we are with… how did we get here… and are we happy here? Then the journey to reconciling ourselves and others has to begin. I certainly hope its possible… and i’m sure a healthier way to keep in touch with who we are and who we are becoming while being “one” with someone. Just gotta make sure we stay in tuned to ourselves I guess.

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