This year

Last year through the holidays I was dreading the fact that this year would look sooooo much different.

Flash back to last year Thanksgiving: Me and my husband had been in counseling for 2 months. To say we were on the rocks would be grossly under exaggerating the situation. We both were working towards working it all out, but our affection towards each other was basically non-existent. If there was “affection” it was forced and terribly uncomfortable. Completely stressful. Being around family was incredibly difficult. There was constant talk about planning babies with my parents or siblings that were in that stage of marriage. Killed me. Everything about it. No one knew we were having issues. We thought we’d work through it and no one would have to be the wiser.

Flash back to Christmas of last year: We had been separated for exactly 12 days. We still weren’t telling our families. We shared a bed at my brother’s house, then at his parents’ house. I don’t know how I held it together. We hadn’t decided on getting a divorce yet, but the thought of how next year would look was haunting me every second. Every. Single. Second. I got through the holidays only having to tell my mom and my sister because of logistics and having to have them stay with me and such. They’d quickly figure out that my husband wasn’t staying at home, so I had no choice.

Flash back to new years last year: We both attended the same party… but we didn’t show up together. He left before midnight to go to another party with… who knows.

Well, the divorce has been finalized for almost 4 months now… and we are rapidly approaching Thanksgiving. And while part of me wants to be a hermit this holiday season… hide from family… the other part of me is just happy to not be hiding anything.

Since then my brother and his wife have announced the arrival of their first child. So so so happy for them. I feel oddly connected to the child already. But I ache at the same time. This is where I should be too. And back at square one. Not even dating anyone.

I know there will be tears over being alone this season. I know someone will say something without thinking about it… It’s happened so many times already. I’m bracing myself. I am strong. I can do this. I know there will be tears, but I am happy with my decision. I am so good with it. I am a better person now than I was. I know me better. I love myself more. This was a positive change in my life. Wonder why the holidays does this to a person… I’m sure I’ll perfect my “happy place” and self preservation tactics. But otherwise, I’m just going to try and enjoy my siblings and get excited with my sister in law about the baby. And get to know my mom and dad’s new boyfriend/girlfriend…. That’ll be fun.

So much different this year! and I knew it would be! But lets hope i’m pleasantly surprised. Maybe i’ll just try to keep track of all the unbelievably insensitive remarks for funny anecdotes later. Might make its own blog post… who knows! strike comedic gold! 🙂 I’m a silver-lining-ist… remember!

Welp, that’s all I got for now.

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