one of those moments

I have a deep desire today to mourn my marriage. I wanna bury my face and body in the comfort of someone who knows and understands the depth of the situation. To completely be consumed with the grief… and let go in the catharsis of sobs. Sob for my lost years. For the loss itself. For my ex. For all that was wasted. For all the what ifs. For all the reasons why it didn’t work. For all the ways that is was my fault. and all the reasons that i couldn’t have possibly prevented. For all the ways that i didn’t measure up. and for all the ways that i deserve better. All the ways he deserves better. Its a small ache, but a huge desire to let myself go in that moment of wallowing.

This won’t happen. There’s no one I can crumble against except for him. And that sure as hell shouldn’t be an option. Instead, I’ll catch a noon workout… and work it out through sweat instead of tears. Bury myself in the burn of my hands on the barbell, and the burn in my muscles…. Not sure if this is processing or just burying it… What else can be done with this? There is going to be a discord inside me with such a huge life change. It isn’t because I made the wrong decision or a bad decision… a decision either way with something like this would’ve caused the same kind of upset at times. I’m not in denial about that. Just having one of those moments. I’m completely resolved to my decision and glad about it. Just a moment.

It’ll be over soon.

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