Archive for October, 2014

This year

October 30, 2014

Last year through the holidays I was dreading the fact that this year would look sooooo much different.

Flash back to last year Thanksgiving: Me and my husband had been in counseling for 2 months. To say we were on the rocks would be grossly under exaggerating the situation. We both were working towards working it all out, but our affection towards each other was basically non-existent. If there was “affection” it was forced and terribly uncomfortable. Completely stressful. Being around family was incredibly difficult. There was constant talk about planning babies with my parents or siblings that were in that stage of marriage. Killed me. Everything about it. No one knew we were having issues. We thought we’d work through it and no one would have to be the wiser.

Flash back to Christmas of last year: We had been separated for exactly 12 days. We still weren’t telling our families. We shared a bed at my brother’s house, then at his parents’ house. I don’t know how I held it together. We hadn’t decided on getting a divorce yet, but the thought of how next year would look was haunting me every second. Every. Single. Second. I got through the holidays only having to tell my mom and my sister because of logistics and having to have them stay with me and such. They’d quickly figure out that my husband wasn’t staying at home, so I had no choice.

Flash back to new years last year: We both attended the same party… but we didn’t show up together. He left before midnight to go to another party with… who knows.

Well, the divorce has been finalized for almost 4 months now… and we are rapidly approaching Thanksgiving. And while part of me wants to be a hermit this holiday season… hide from family… the other part of me is just happy to not be hiding anything.

Since then my brother and his wife have announced the arrival of their first child. So so so happy for them. I feel oddly connected to the child already. But I ache at the same time. This is where I should be too. And back at square one. Not even dating anyone.

I know there will be tears over being alone this season. I know someone will say something without thinking about it… It’s happened so many times already. I’m bracing myself. I am strong. I can do this. I know there will be tears, but I am happy with my decision. I am so good with it. I am a better person now than I was. I know me better. I love myself more. This was a positive change in my life. Wonder why the holidays does this to a person… I’m sure I’ll perfect my “happy place” and self preservation tactics. But otherwise, I’m just going to try and enjoy my siblings and get excited with my sister in law about the baby. And get to know my mom and dad’s new boyfriend/girlfriend…. That’ll be fun.

So much different this year! and I knew it would be! But lets hope i’m pleasantly surprised. Maybe i’ll just try to keep track of all the unbelievably insensitive remarks for funny anecdotes later. Might make its own blog post… who knows! strike comedic gold! 🙂 I’m a silver-lining-ist… remember!

Welp, that’s all I got for now.

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one of those moments

October 27, 2014

I have a deep desire today to mourn my marriage. I wanna bury my face and body in the comfort of someone who knows and understands the depth of the situation. To completely be consumed with the grief… and let go in the catharsis of sobs. Sob for my lost years. For the loss itself. For my ex. For all that was wasted. For all the what ifs. For all the reasons why it didn’t work. For all the ways that is was my fault. and all the reasons that i couldn’t have possibly prevented. For all the ways that i didn’t measure up. and for all the ways that i deserve better. All the ways he deserves better. Its a small ache, but a huge desire to let myself go in that moment of wallowing.

This won’t happen. There’s no one I can crumble against except for him. And that sure as hell shouldn’t be an option. Instead, I’ll catch a noon workout… and work it out through sweat instead of tears. Bury myself in the burn of my hands on the barbell, and the burn in my muscles…. Not sure if this is processing or just burying it… What else can be done with this? There is going to be a discord inside me with such a huge life change. It isn’t because I made the wrong decision or a bad decision… a decision either way with something like this would’ve caused the same kind of upset at times. I’m not in denial about that. Just having one of those moments. I’m completely resolved to my decision and glad about it. Just a moment.

It’ll be over soon.

Your Future Queen

October 27, 2014

The Fickle Heartbeat

princess silhouette

Shared by Jonah. See Part 1 and Part 2.

You may have met me already, or maybe not yet.  But you will know me soon when you look for me. 

You may realize that I’m easy to find.  I’ve been with you since childhood, we’ve grown close over the years.  I’m within your circle of friends and I already know your quirks and whims.  But for some, I remain hidden until the right time.  I can come in a whirlwind romance or appear in disguise as someone opposite of your ideals.  Whichever the case is, you will see me.

You will see me but you will have me only when you choose me.  You may have felt before that you are an option; women of your past had the power to accept or decline your love.  Remember that you have that choice, too.

I don’t mind…

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food addiction

October 16, 2014

I can’t seem to beat this one. I’ve been attending group counseling sessions for it. So many things being uncovered and I honestly don’t know what effects my food addiction and what is just another aspect of me that should be recognized, worked on and/or accepted. Here are a few that i’ve narrowed down to my food issues.

Self doubt: We all do it. We are our own worst critic. I’m a perfectionist… well… maybe not so much a perfectionist… But I can not be embarrassed. I will avoid embarrassment at ALL costs. I have a phobia about it. I can’t handle publicly failing. I’m a realist, though, (or chicken shit) and just don’t do the things i don’t know that I’ll do well in public. I cover this up with self deprecation in jest… but… This is something I’m working on. No more negative comments just to be funny with me as the butt of the joke. This is causing a very awesome subtle change in me… I walk taller. I accept my short comings instead of beat myself up over it. It’s a good change and one I hope to make a habit.

Processing feelings: The overall idea that i’m getting in my group therapy is that we eat to cover up a need we have. maybe even a feeling we are experiencing. And instead of processing whats going on… instead of dealing with the negative things we are experiencing we cover that up with food… food is a reward. food makes us feel in control. food makes us feel safe. food is comfort. food is an easy socially acceptable thing to cling to. food is reliable. So, me and feelings… we don’t get along well. I don’t even know how to recognize a feeling. To help with this I’m working on my mindfulness. In a moment of emotional “hunger” (which takes practice in itself to recognize) I need to stop and rack my brain for reasons why… starting with the very surface of… am i feeling good or bad in this moment? And dig deeper from there. Am I really eating right now because I need sustenance? When was my last meal? what was it? This is a hard thing to do… because its the very opposite of what i’ve been doing. uncovering vs covering. There’s a lot in here. Not to mention the comforting and rewarding that we’ve been taught to use food for.  Its so blatantly obvious we don’t even notice it!

Boredom: I didn’t know that boredom was a feeling. Could my addiction be this simple? The thing about boredom is there’s a level of anxiety or discontentment. Lack of peace. How is this undone? Maybe when there is less self doubt there is more peace… you are more capable of being one with the quiet.

sleep deprivation and chaotic schedule: This is even more simple! I’ve done some experimenting with this lately. It helps to get a good night’s sleep… spend a night at home. I’ve been filling up my calendar so full lately! One thing after the other… literally. Gym, dinner, drinks. Before I know it I’m falling into bed at midnight and at work at 7am… miserable! FOod… bring me alllll the food! Especially if I’m hung over. or even if i’m not hung over! Two things here… 2) lack of sleep makes me want a lot of food. 2) drinking the night before leads to wanting A LOT of BAD food. Now, I will not forfeit my drinking with friends and going out and staying pretty social… but I am starting to be more mindful of these weeknight benders… And It’s about time I reign myself in… I’m 27… time to be a grown up. I doubt i’ll slow down til my friends do… we have way too much fun. But… I’m gonna dial it back a bit. There’s an odd sense of control and productivity when I stay home and keep a bed time… not sure why. But I do know that I feel amazing the next day when I do.

Lonely: I don’t feel particularly lonely. But I’ve noticed the times in which I decide to binge. It happens a lot after my niece or mom leaves my place. Or when I’m leaving a group of people. So, this is something worth thinking about. It is a human quality to want to be around people… to share things with others including time, feelings, sad things, happy things, meals, a bed. Its just a natural thing. We are relational beings.

I think that to dismiss any of these reasons would be detrimental to my “rehab”. But some are harder than others. Work in progress. I just hope that I can be “cured”. I know, once an addict always an addict. Just feeling a little helpless about it at times.

I’ll get there… just need to be more mindful in this direction.

break room moments

October 15, 2014

So I work in the information technology world. While this isn’t necessarily considered a male field anymore… our floor consists of maybe 30% women. I run across my fair share of men all day. All ages.

I can banter and small talk with the best of them! I walk away feeling funny, smart, and down right proud of my quick wit.You should see me work the break room crowd…. as long as they are not in an age bracket that is outside the appropriate dating age range for me. I clam up. Can’t think of a thing to say. Nothing cute, or witty, or smart. What is up with that? I can’t make eye contact. I can barely get out a super lame “morning.” I become temporarily broken! I blush quickly. I stutter… It’s embarrassing to say the least.

Get it together!

cuddle sesh please!

October 6, 2014

It sucks that the only way to get to the cuddle-on-the-couch-on-a-Friday-night phase can’t happen till you go through the dating scene and find someone that you like and likes you back mutually. Does that sound lame? Did you know that there are professional cuddlers out there?!?! Forget my counseling session! I should find a cuddler (with nice biceps)!

My mom and my best friend has awesome first dates yesterday. I listen to them and try to be as enthusiastic as a daughter and best friend should be when hearing how excited they are. Of course I’m jealous, but I am genuinely excited for them. Jealous and not jealous really… dates are so stressful to me. I don’t do well under stress. I don’t show who I am at all. I really stand no chance. I’m terrible at interviews too. I get tongue tied. My mind goes blank.

I feel more and more whole every day that i don’t have someone… And I love that! but damn, if i don’t want to just cuddle up on the couch! I have high hopes and I know one day it’ll happen.

Just the thought of the day…. that’s a lie… that’s a daily thought. 🙂 Anyway. That is all for now.

The little things I love

October 1, 2014

soap suds running down my back in the shower

the surge of happy i feel after i consume caffeine

driving over a bridge with my country music blaring

early cool mornings with my windows down and before the sun is fully awake in my sweatshirt

clouds… and the what the sun can do to them

laughing with a friend… over something so silly that only that friend in that moment would find it funny with you

Feeling sexy in a skirt and heels… nothing truly rivals this feeling…

nerdy office jokes

passing by a mirror and being pleasantly surprised

hearing my niece giggle

watching my niece furrow her brow in concentration and/or confusion

missing someone so much it hurts

meeting new people

flirting

being touched

the burn in my abs, legs, arms, or anywhere the day after a good workout

being productive on a Saturday

That feeling when I walk into a clean apartment

making something pretty

the feeling I get when i’m on stage

being good at something. Even something as simple as shuffling a deck of cards.