weighed and measured

One of the worst things I felt with my husband, er… ex husband… was the feeling of being judged constantly. Now, I realize as a woman we make things up all the time. Our crazy female logic has us over thinking in so many different circles we can’t see clearly through the dizziness. But regardless of whether this was something I made up in my head or something that he actually did, I felt it. If i feel it, it is real to me. What else makes up our reality except our possessions and feelings? It’s really all we have. 

I felt so judged I suppressed who I really was. I hid myself from him in fear he’d hate it. And judge it more harshly. I’ve had friends that made me feel this way too. I thought it was just something that came out of my own imagination… I excused it and tried, unsuccessfully, to ignore it. Hiding yourself does so many negative things to you… to you, your personality, your happiness, your sanity… It effects every part of our lives. 

The thing about feeling judged is that you never feel good enough if you are feeling judged at all. Have you noticed that? It’s never a good thing. You are weighed and measured and found wanting… You are never found perfect. EVER. It’s a feeling that easily engulfs you with a bad taste for yourself. 

Since I’ve been divorced I’ve met several new people… guys generally, that I don’t feel that way with. And I like it! It felt so tangibly different I was taken aback with surprise. I still can’t get over the difference. Now, none of these guys are “the one” but they made me realize that it is definitely something i’m not willing to settle or compromise on in the future. And that excites me! 

That’s all the rambling I have for now. 🙂 thanks for reading. 

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