My food problem

This issue is so deeply apart of me it was hard not to mention it on my first “about me” post. 

I’m a binge eater. Some people might not recognize this as a real problem. I assure you. It is. 

I’ve always been over weight. Ever since I was a little girl. I wore a size 11 in women’s jeans by the time i was in 5th grade. In my 7th grade year I went directly from that same size 11 to a hefty size 16 and the trend just sort of continued. (I call that year “the year of the explosion”.) I can’t remember it being something I thought about. Except for maybe when it was time to put a bathing suit on. My mom says I carried so much confidence that she couldn’t imagine it effecting me. She also said says that i would always eat an exorbitant amount of food in one setting. But my mom eats like a bird… So maybe she just meant in comparison (the justification in my mind).

I don’t remember thoughts of food taking over my life or negative thoughts on my body occurring regularly. You could say  I was a happy girl. But in college i began thinking about exercise. I had never been an athlete. (The fear of embarrassment I had kept me from enjoying anything like that). I had no clue what eating healthy looked like. (Besides salad. And the very thought of putting lettuce on an empty stomach makes me gag – quite literally.) But I figured I could at least start with running. Sounds simple enough. 

So me and my boyfriend (now ex-husband, but i digress) started running. In a short time i was able to hit a mile straight!!!!!!! What?!?!? I did that!? He showed me a few things in the gyms in the way of weights, but really too many meat head freshmen took over that part of the gym so I never made it a priority. I LOVED working out. Well, you know that love/hate thing that happens when you want to take a nap instead of gym – that was still there… but.. overall I was excited about it. 

Then before I got married I took the time to figure out how to eat better. or less. My fiance was a big help. cooking fish and preparing sweet potatoes in creative ways. I lost 35 pounds in 3 months. Felt soooo good. I was a different person! A normal sized person! Ever since then… since i decided to eat better and less and workout… thats when i began to see my problem was a little bit more than just deciding and practicing self-control. 

I feel powerless at times. The cravings and urges hit and it consumes all my thoughts till i follow thru with them. Usually its in the form of ordering a pizza and eating it til i feel sick. I don’t stop a minute sooner. I can’t. I hear it calling my name. It’s terrible. I usually do a really good job about only bringing good things into the house, but when those days/moments hit, I make it happen. Delivery. Takeout. Drive thru. Usually I eat til its gone or I feel beyond sick. Its embarrassing and completely shameful. 

I thought I had this under control until i began to live on my own after the divorce and I realized that I didn’t have it under control, I just had a built in chaperon. Now mix that in with the need for comfort food. This is something I can’t beat on my own. Thank God i love to work out because i’d be going down hill fast.  

I am seeking help for this. I joined a support group that starts in a few weeks. I don’t know if it’ll help but i do know that it can’t make it worse. If nothing else its 2 hours a week i won’t be eating. Wish me luck. 

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