Archive for August, 2014

Friday phenomenon

August 29, 2014

Nothing is different in my life than it was yesterday. Nothing was miraculously resolved yesterday. But I wake up on on this fine Friday 20% (or more!) in a better mood! Bonus that Monday is a HOLIDAY! 

Sad that we live from week to week like this. Living for Friday! This is why i love mid week plans. Monday with the girls, Thursday karaoke. But we count down to Friday every week. Every single Monday I have the same small talk anti-Monday conversations with my office people. Every day its about how much closer (or how far) we are to the weekend. And it doesn’t bother me to go over and over and over again how its HUMPDAY! Anyway… thank God for better mood Fridays. 

Enjoy the Friday phenomenon!

hope

August 27, 2014

So there’s this odd random feeling that keeps hitting me over and over again throughout the day lately. It’s a mixture of anxiety and excitement… It’s almost overwhelming at times. The first time I felt it I thought i was having a panic attack. But i recognized the feeling as not all bad. It feels as if something is right around the corner. Something is about to happen. Something is brewing. Something BIG! 

I kind of have this theory on ESP…. I feel like everyone falls on a spectrum of it. But I think most of us land on the millisecond side of the spectrum…. So basically none at all. While others maybe have more of a gift for it. I don’t know. Call me crazy for this one. I do realize it’s a stretch. But this is the weirdest and strongest feeling.

Maybe its just stress manifesting itself… I haven’t been able to sleep… so maybe its even just a sign of sleep deprivation, but it won’t go away. It’ll hit me in waves and then it’ll go. but its becoming more and more… whats the word… constant… i think. 

I’ve decided that it’s hope. But a really strong urgent hope. Wonder if I’m just kind of needing sleep or if something will (unexpectedly) pop up. Or maybe I’m becoming a little desperate in the lonely department… maybe this is just a coping mechanism… but i kind of like it. 

1000 steps

August 27, 2014

If you have 1000 steps to take… and you take them one at a time… in 1000 steps you’ll be there. 

Speed and quality is irrelevant. You could take a nap every other step if you wanted… have a mental break down at 500… but as long as you get up and keeping taking those steps 1 at a time… you’ll get there. 

Drag your feet. Not drag your feet. Just keep going.

Happy being me.

August 25, 2014

There are certain people that you meet that you instantly want to get to know. When I was about 19 or 20 i met a girl named Laura. She is so happy. And she says the goofiest things. She desn’t filter much. She is very honest. She is vibrant!

I sat back and would observe her. Why was she such a magnet. How does one become like that. I was the girl that filters EVERYTHING that comes out of her mouth. Nothing will accidentally come out without being weighed, measured, and found worthy. And I was hard on myself. So, basically I just didn’t speak. It came across like I was shy. But… I dont’ think I’m particularly shy… I just can’t handle being embarrassed. 

I met a girl a few years later, Her name was Lori… and I felt the same type of draw towards her. I also sat back and observed her. I realized she also said some pretty dumb and goofy and wacky and whiny things. Pretty unfiltered. She was so open to me. and I felt compelled to be open back. 

What I realized as I got older and saw these characteristics that I wanted (and somewhat practiced because, lets be honest, if i don’t practice i might embarrass myself) I discovered a few things. 

These girls were completely accepting of things. Not only did they allow others the grace to say the goofy and dumb things they took the liberty of doing it themselves. I’ve come to label these traits as Non-judgmental and confident

They knew who they were and they were okay with sharing it with the world. And they loved people well. There wasn’t this AHA! moment or anything but thru a few years of watching them and befriending them these are things i realized. I loved mirroring this. I can’t believe what happened when I decided to “practice” these things…. 

I began to LOVE myself. 

I found out that other people loved me too! I mean, they wanted me around. They sought out my company. That is a high honor in my book! 

I found that when you gave people room to be them too, they opened up to you. And to experience people that aren’t afraid to be them…. is pretty awesome too. 

I didn’t know that i had been denying myself so much. I wasn’t being me. I wasn’t letting others see me. I was just depriving me and the world of me. 

I’m still learning to open up and be honest about me… about what i feel and think… but its a work in progress. And I’m happy with the progression thus far. I’m going to say stupid things. and i’m going to be wrong…. but so! People don’t really care. In fact… they may even be grateful for the laugh while loving and respecting you just as much as before you made a fool of yourself. It’s kind of awesome how this works. 

Whose house is it anyways?

August 24, 2014

I don’t even know what to title this one… But this is how I did papers in college too. I didn’t right my thesis sentence/opening paragraph till I was done. I use to love writing papers. It all rounded out somehow and then the opening paragraph was a piece of cake. Otherwise I’d sit for days trying to figure it out. 

I went over to my house yesterday.. well, technically it’s still my house. The refinancing to get my name off the mortgage hasn’t been completed yet. My ex has at least 2 roommates that i know of right now. Anyway, I went to the house yesterday to get some of my stuff that he had boxed up. It was all piled up in the dining room. Piled up like he didn’t care how it looked. The room was a mess. The beautiful hard wood floors hadn’t been swept in forever. The bar height table was covered in my stuff and other random stuff. Empty bags. Newly bought things from Wal-mart.

My sanity has always been tied to my surroundings. I couldn’t even study in college til I had cleaned up the entire apartment, whether it was my mess or my roommates. (They were quite messy!!) But after I cleaned, I could sit and study for hours and hours. I just can’t take the clutter; it stresses me out. So, anyway, here I am appalled at how my house looks! I use to clean all the time. I hate clutter, so usually all table tops and counters were completely cleared and wiped down. Shiny. Sure we had the random pile of stuff that we use, no point in putting away because we’ll need it in just a few minutes… but… I swept and mopped and vacuumed like people do.

Thankfully he wasn’t there while i figured out what exactly in this room (my instructions were to take the boxes in the dining room) was mine, but it was sooooooooo messy I could barely navigate. So I just started opening boxes…. Mistake #1. The first box I opened had my flipflops that read “BRIDE”. Bam! Hit me like a truck. And under those were the heels I wore to my wedding. They are sooooo pretty… but… man, that was a hard first sight. My breath caught and i teared up. It was gonna be like that. Made me a little trigger shy on the other boxes. I loaded up stuff in my car. I’m sure the neighbors, particularly the nosy one to the right, was having a field day watching me try to lift all these boxes into my car on my own. I’m actually quite sore today. 

In the corner was a huge burlap sack. Who keeps people sized burlap sacks around?? This bag was filled with photo albums and pictures of us. I couldn’t lift it, or I would’ve walked it out to the trash. I left it. 

I got to see our dog… Beamer. He is so big! I can’t believe it. I mean, I thought he was full grown already… but he made the shift from teenager to adult… He loved on me, I loved on him. I also took the opportunity to make a walk through to see if anything else was mine. Mistake #2. the house is in dreadful condition! I couldn’t handle it. Ugh, 3 or 4 guys under one roof… What did I expect? I just worked so hard to keep it clean. It was heart breaking. It was a fucking mess! Not only did it break my heart, but it pissed me off because I know he had the appraiser there this week for the refinancing. The stairs hadn’t been vacuumed in months. The only clean room was the master suite… Mistake #3. There were female items on my side of the sink. “My side”. Time to leave. 

Of course I cried all the way to my tiny apartment, wondering where I was going to even fit all the things that were in the back of my car. Everything hurts today. I slept terribly. I can feel the clutter from the house. Its stressing me out like its mine to clean. I fought the urge to sweep the dining room. I fought the urge so hard. 

I hadn’t cried over the situation in a week… I guess I was over due. At some point this won’t effect me. I’ll wait till then. 

My food problem

August 22, 2014

This issue is so deeply apart of me it was hard not to mention it on my first “about me” post. 

I’m a binge eater. Some people might not recognize this as a real problem. I assure you. It is. 

I’ve always been over weight. Ever since I was a little girl. I wore a size 11 in women’s jeans by the time i was in 5th grade. In my 7th grade year I went directly from that same size 11 to a hefty size 16 and the trend just sort of continued. (I call that year “the year of the explosion”.) I can’t remember it being something I thought about. Except for maybe when it was time to put a bathing suit on. My mom says I carried so much confidence that she couldn’t imagine it effecting me. She also said says that i would always eat an exorbitant amount of food in one setting. But my mom eats like a bird… So maybe she just meant in comparison (the justification in my mind).

I don’t remember thoughts of food taking over my life or negative thoughts on my body occurring regularly. You could say  I was a happy girl. But in college i began thinking about exercise. I had never been an athlete. (The fear of embarrassment I had kept me from enjoying anything like that). I had no clue what eating healthy looked like. (Besides salad. And the very thought of putting lettuce on an empty stomach makes me gag – quite literally.) But I figured I could at least start with running. Sounds simple enough. 

So me and my boyfriend (now ex-husband, but i digress) started running. In a short time i was able to hit a mile straight!!!!!!! What?!?!? I did that!? He showed me a few things in the gyms in the way of weights, but really too many meat head freshmen took over that part of the gym so I never made it a priority. I LOVED working out. Well, you know that love/hate thing that happens when you want to take a nap instead of gym – that was still there… but.. overall I was excited about it. 

Then before I got married I took the time to figure out how to eat better. or less. My fiance was a big help. cooking fish and preparing sweet potatoes in creative ways. I lost 35 pounds in 3 months. Felt soooo good. I was a different person! A normal sized person! Ever since then… since i decided to eat better and less and workout… thats when i began to see my problem was a little bit more than just deciding and practicing self-control. 

I feel powerless at times. The cravings and urges hit and it consumes all my thoughts till i follow thru with them. Usually its in the form of ordering a pizza and eating it til i feel sick. I don’t stop a minute sooner. I can’t. I hear it calling my name. It’s terrible. I usually do a really good job about only bringing good things into the house, but when those days/moments hit, I make it happen. Delivery. Takeout. Drive thru. Usually I eat til its gone or I feel beyond sick. Its embarrassing and completely shameful. 

I thought I had this under control until i began to live on my own after the divorce and I realized that I didn’t have it under control, I just had a built in chaperon. Now mix that in with the need for comfort food. This is something I can’t beat on my own. Thank God i love to work out because i’d be going down hill fast.  

I am seeking help for this. I joined a support group that starts in a few weeks. I don’t know if it’ll help but i do know that it can’t make it worse. If nothing else its 2 hours a week i won’t be eating. Wish me luck. 

bro’ing out

August 21, 2014

I have a friend that insists on me being his workout buddy. He calls me things like brah, brosef, broham, and my favorite, turd. Maybe he doesn’t realize I’m a girl? Maybe he uses this for every one – male or female? 

I’ve finally accepted this from him. We went fishing the other night. Did not realize fishing in the dark existed outside of country songs. It was pretty fun. We grabbed a six pack and headed to the park. Just a couple of bros broing out. (Except for the random post midnight run to mcdonalds for ice cream – do guys do this in bromances?)

He doesn’t seem interested in anything other than being friends, which is perfectly fine in my book. But i guess as a woman i always wonder what the “end-game” is. I always judge motivations of people tho. But really, an end game doesn’t have to be malicious. He could very well just be looking for work out partner, that he also likes to hang out with on a Friday night playing his guitar or hang out on Saturdays fishing in the dark. right? 

I personally have always held the belief that guys and girls can be just friends… of course, I have no proof of this or any long lasting relationships that prove my belief to be true… plenty that prove otherwise! But recently i’ve befriended a few guys and for all intents and purposes it appears that it is a true blue friendship. No line crossings. No gray areas. But I’ve had that before and was completely blind sided by a declaration of love. I’m not going to over think it. Nor will I be the one to disprove it….

Just rambling. Can I trouble you for a few thoughts on the topic?

coupla (no)things

August 21, 2014

Why do they make coffee flavored creamer? Do people seek this out? Maybe some people are worried their coffee doesn’t taste enough like coffee?

I got honked at in the middle of a round about for “cutting someone off”. I thought the point of a round about (or traffic circle) was so we could all essentially cut each other off in a mutual sort of way. Am I wrong? I didn’t do anything that would cause them to change speeds… I didn’t think I was even that close to them… at the same time, I’m not the best driver. Maybe the honk was deserved.

 I can’t quite place the feeling I have about seeing my nails done. I have jams on from jamberry nail wraps… They are so damn cute. Green chevrons. I look down at them and I just feel… something… i can’t quite define what i feel. I do know that it’s positive. Maybe it’s a weird sense of pride because those are my fingers lookin’ so cute and I’m not really one of those girls that do (or know how to do) a lot of accessorizing. Aaaand I did it myself 🙂 Pride… maybe that’s what it is…

I get to a point every once in a while where it feels soooooo good to stretch… as in the deep yawn, hands in the air, back arched… At this point I know its when I need my back popped. It gets more and more frequent the more I need it. I lost my built in back popper in the divorce… Not quite sure how to replace that yet… The best thing I can come up with is a foam roller on the floor of the gym. Lol. But it only tends to get my upper back popped about 75% of the way… good enough for now.

Random today… I know. But what do you expect with a site title with the word “ramblings” in it?

Last night’s date (because I KNOW you care)

August 20, 2014

So… It didn’t start out too great in my opinion… and really, who else’s opinion matters when it comes to dating?!?!

Let me preface with this. I have a few really close girlfriends that do game night once a week… I usually opt out for several reasons. 1) We have at least 2 other weekly traditions and I need a night off! I love love love my girls but damn! Can I get a minute?! They know this about me and don’t push the subject – which actually is quite surprising. 2) Me and games are not friends. I hate when its a game and my turn consists of reading, choosing, or coming up with something creative. a) i’m not creative and b) i hate being the center of attention. If it was just me and my girls I’d be okay, but there’s always a few random straggler that get me all flustered… despite the wine. I have a phobia of being embarrassed… It haunts me. This is why i don’t do sports either. I blush waaaay too easy. Which leads to more embarrassment and more blushing… It’s a steep downward spiral of terribleness.

Okay, so all day I get texts from them asking if I’m coming to game night and if I’m bringing my date. Um, guys!!! I have a date! I don’t know what this weighs in their world but I’m freaking out slightly! If this date turns out well, I. AM. NOT. SHARING. Other than that, if you have plans you have plans. I even thought it was incredibly rude for them to beg when they know I’m busy. And they never beg about game night. MY GIRLS KNOW ME! So, this was going on most of the day…

Mean while the plan is to get together about 7ish for dinner after he does a few chores/errands after work. Fair enough. So I start stressing out about 6:15… because it’s what I do. (Don’t I sound like a keeper??) What should I wear? How should I fix my hair? I swear that shirt looked cuter last time i wore it. My hair is NOT right. I’m hungry. Don’t eat. How bout this shirt? No. Not that one either. Snap a pic. Send it to my sister. Cry to my sis about how I wish I had her hair and her boobs… OK, I kind of feel cute in this shirt. Jeans or shorts??????? And this went on. And on. I get a text from my date. “This is taking longer than I expected. Looking at about an hour and a half.” WHAT?!?!?!?!? It’s is almost 7 already and I’m hungry AAAAANDDD I need to be at work at 7 am tomorrow morning!!! So you see how this doesn’t help my already stressed out self? “Sure! No problem, just let me know! :)” Ugh… i hate my passive aggressive self some times. On top of that have to pick him up. Something wrong with his car… ugh… Normally this is not a big deal, but at this point it just adds to my stress. And I need to stop for gas. Just breathe, girl!

So by the time I get in my car I’m already feeling myself turn introvert. I get like this… I guess it’s just how i deal (or not deal) with stress. If any of you are doctors out there would you let me know if this qualifies me for the need of chill pills?? I stop for gas. I get to his place and call his phone. “I’m out front.” “Coming.” I sit. I wait. I sit. I wait. My stomach is turning in knots! COME ON! Still sitting. Still waiting. Seriously, dude? You’ve had almost 2 hours now since I thought this date was going to begin. He finally comes out. Red faced. Looking more stressed than me! He gets in the car. “I was looking for my wallet. No luck.” We swing by the complex’s laundromat because that is the last place he saw it. I’m crossing my fingers because I can’t take him being upset… if he can’t find his wallet.. what am I suppose to do in this situation? He comes out with his wallet! CRISIS AVERTED! I’m singing a silent hallelujah. Now can we eat?!?!?!?! He has picked out a sushi restaurant. I am so excited. I love sushi and I love when people I like to be around love sushi too! So he tells me about what direction we are going… it’s close… and he keeps talking and I realize it’s mine and my ex-husband’s favorite sushi place. :-\ Seriously? At least I know its a good restaurant… but who likes taking a different guy after going into this restaurant with the same guy for YEARS! I want to cry (not really but i do wanna shrivel up a little).  I don’t mention it. So all the while I am in my head while not talking to him. I’m probably the most dull person he’s come in to contact with this month. So then I start worrying about that. I can’t think of a damn thing to say. I’m racking my brain and coming up empty every time. My mind has never been so empty. I’m even boring myself.

I have this aha! moment when we are almost done eating. “So my friends are doing a game night tonight. They’ve been pestering me all day about it. Interested?” So… we end up at game night. And the night is instantly better! Blame it on the fact that we get more people to fill the silence, blame it on the wine, blame it on the fact that my friends are there, blame it on it actually being a good date, blame whatever! It turned around! I did get embarrassed quite often – blushed a ton (thanks to the game that eluded to sex like 50,000 times) – but we had such a good time. Conversation was easy the rest of the night. Even on the drive back to his place. He said he’d like to see me again. (I’ve heard that before.) Maybe its just one of those things guys say at the end of a date. We shall see. At this point the jury is still out on whether I’d even agree to date number two. I’m just glad it wasn’t a total bust – in my opinion… and after all, we decided mine is the only one that matters.  🙂

I am exhausted just reliving it. Maybe this will get easier. Or maybe I can boycott the traditional dinner date. Does it give off the wrong vibe if I just wanna order take out and have a movie marathon??? Seems way less stressful. Maybe I’ll come up with more creative non-stressful (less stressful! Lets be honest, I don’t know how to NOT stress) date ideas. Suggestions are welcome!

Okay, that’s enough for now. Later!

A friend of mine

August 20, 2014

A friend of mine, who also happens to work with me, told me last Monday that his wife informed him that she did not love him anymore.

My heart hurts so much for him. And I never would have ever begun to realize how much this can effect a person if it had not been for my recent divorce. I’m looking into his future… and I hate it sooo much for him. It really really really hurts. It’s like i can feel the pit he is about to fall into. There’s such a wide variety of emotions that go along with all this. I take that back. Maybe its not so much a wide variety as it is the incredible depth of the emotion that you will experience. It hits you in layers. And you think you are okay and coming out of it. Then WAM! It’s back and way way way way worse. Yesterday you remember thinking you’ve found rock bottom. This is the worst it could be. You were wrong.

Both our situations are very different tho. I never had someone tell me they didn’t love me. To me that is a whole new layer on top of everything I went through. It just breaks my heart. I hate what his near future looks like.