me and m

July 20, 2017

About a month ago my concern over m’s alcoholism hit an all time high. He stopped trying. He stopped working. He just stopped. He had more and more nights where he called a second time to say goodnight forgetting entirely that he called to tell me goodnight AN HOUR AGO! And when we went out he was consuming drinks faster and faster. I can tell the difference between someone enjoying a craft beer and a person trying to pack in as much percentage of alcohol as possible as quickly as possible. Hello! I was raised by an alcoholic father. I can pick up and tune into all the little fucking signs. All of them. I know that when you call versus text you are drinking. I know that when you say you are doing laundry, you are drinking. I know that when you say you are meeting your father for lunch you are drinking. I know how to decode a lot of this. And I also know that no matter what I know, there is always so so so much more I’m unaware of. This part was the part that worried me more than anything.

So I asked him to meet me for brunch one day. We shared a quiche at a pizza place and I explained my concerns.

In August we planned on moving in together. So the urgency of the situation was closing in on me. How can I knowingly invite that into my living space on a daily basis?

He was floored. Apparently to him this came out of nowhere. I’ll explain later why this infuriates me. But to him: he was shocked and blindsided. He had no idea how much I knew about the situation. He never once denied any of it. He was EXTREMELY receptive. He listened. And listened. And cried. And listened some more. I had a lot of words. And they couldn’t have come out more perfectly. I would never claim to be an articulate human being just like I could never claim to be a good driver. I just simply am not those things. But for some reason by whatever higher power you believe in I said everything just as I needed to say it.

It landed perfectly. At the end of this….. intervention (for lack of a better word) I told him that I needed a break. This worry and stress had climbed to a level that I needed to take a step back from. Obviously, me thinking that I could break from the stress just by breaking from him is just not how it actually works in my female brain. It’s always interesting to me the things I’m able to compartmentalize and all the things I simply cannot.

Over the next 3 weeks he sprung into clean up mode. He connected with friends he hadn’t connected with in a long time. I was concerned over the bitterness in which he spoke about his so-called friends. Something that I still don’t quite understand. But he dug in and he is actively cultivating and nurturing those friendships and new ones. I’m so damn proud of this. Like I said, I don’t understand why this is something he put on hold.

He also got a therapist. For his depression and anxiety. Part of him falling off the wagon was him getting off his anti-depressants… I know he hates the side effects, but he so desperately needs this. But at least he started the process of getting help. So he has been to exactly 1 session. We’ll see how this goes.

He started going to the gym every day. This is always something he says he is going to do. Something that he wants to do. But during our talk I spoke about howbad his follow through is. I can’t rely on him for anything he says he’ll do. He’s not a follow-through-er. And this was one area in his life that was the most obvious that he just wouldn’t follow through. So he is a regular gymmer now. I say that, 3 weeks in and he’s hitting 4 days a week. We’ll see how this goes.

He bought a kayak. He’s been talking about this for a long time. He did it. And not only did he do it he got his kayak on the lake for a solo ride. And then on top of that has gone out with his friends! The friendships that he had previously been denying. I would’ve put money on these things never happening. As in literally never.

He said the words out loud. He looked into my eyes and said “I am an alcoholic”. I had tears in my eyes instantly. Of course, he said it over a glass of wine, but he fucking said it. Holy shit. He doesn’t feel like he needs to stop drinking. He thinks that he needs to stop drinking when he’s bored or sad. Those are his “self medicating” rules/boundaries that he’s put on himself. I need him in AA. I need him 100% dry. But he isn’t there yet. Maybe… MAYBE… he can just restrict…. But…. This is text book addict verbiage. Maybe he’ll slowly crawl out of denial. I can only hope.

So, here he is… with his laundry list of things he is working on to becoming a better human. But here I am…. I’m completely underwhelmed at his strides. Why? Well, remember when I said I had something to talk about that infuriated me? Back in December when we were discussing getting back together we talked about all these things.

The drinking, the coping, the bettering himself, the gym, the attitude, the depression, the pills… We spoke about all these things. He spoke of them so clearly. He made this list himself. All the things that had to be different in his life if me and him were going to work. So… how long did all that last? A few months. He tried a solid 2 months before I started to see and feel the slipping. Me and him connect so well when he is working on things. He’s so open with me. He talks about all his shit. All of it. But when he starts slipping in one area it all unravels… this includes our connection.

Our connection is still severed. Because the break. I am perpetuating this disconnect. Why? Because I can’t trust any of this to be something that sticks forever. Backsliding to me is inevitable. I absolutely hate that I think this. I absolutely hate that I don’t think he could possibly keep this up. What a shitty girlfriend. But I’ve been hurt and burned at this before. I am so so hurt. But no matter how hurt I feel I am even more scared.

So when he says this whole thing blindsided him? FUCK YOU! This is something we both cared so deeply about in the past. This is why I could even consider getting back with him. This. None of it is new. None of this can ever be OUT OF THE BLUE. This is our shit. Our constant shit.

He has such strong demons that he wrestles with daily. And I feel so awful that I can no longer stand at his side while he battles. I am so damn conflicted.

But here’s what I know. I need someone that follows through. I need someone that I don’t have to constantly monitor and mother. I don’t want to be the nagging partner in life always asking “are you drinking?” I don’t want to play this role. I deserve other things, right? Deserve… I don’t know. Maybe I don’t’ deserve more, but I do know that I need someone I can rely on. And I can’t rely on him.

I’m struggling with this decision. I need to let go. I need to let him work on this apart from me. And I need him to become a better person because that is what he wants to do for himself not to save our relationship. Because he had me and our relationship. And it wasn’t enough.

I hope he keeps it up. I want him to succeed. But my fear about the possibility may be something I can’t possibly get passed.

my bc hunt

June 23, 2017

So… I’ve spent the last year on a hunt for the perfect birth control pill. I was tired of my crazy pms getting worse and worse and worse. It’s awful! It WAS awful.

My PMS was hitting in all sorts of ways. Some months it would be absolute irritation. I couldn’t even stand myself! Some months it was anger and bitterness. Some months it was deeeeeep dark depression. SO SO SO much sadness. Then other months is was anxiety. Oh my lord, everything made me so anxious.

I talked to my lady doc about this and she said we can try them all! I was so so grateful. I didn’t even know this was an option. I thought if I was on BC then I was going to have to just suffer.

After 4 different BCs in about 8 months I FOUND IT! I still get PMS but GUESS WHAT?! My only PMS symptom is missing everyone! And I mean EVERYONE. And in such a loving reminiscing way! It’s crazy. Lol. But I love it. I’ll trade anxiety for this any day!

Sigh… so I’m sitting here thinking about people. Not hating anyone or myself. Not annoyed. Just missing folks.

Happy Friday all!

P.S. It’s Lo Loestrin! Seriously, ask your doc about it. I’m not even getting paid for this. 🙂

The build up

June 9, 2017

I get on my knees and lower my chin. His text said he’d be here at 5:03… Just like him to be so precise… And you know what? It’ll be exactly 5:03. It’ 5:01 now.

2 minutes seems like an eternity. This longing comes from deep inside of me. It builds and builds something I can’t quite put into words.

Today has been on the calendar for weeks. I hate that I only see him once a month. But it’s how it must be…. Because of Her. I hate that there’s a her. Truth be told, there’s a him too. But… anyway.

I feel the ground under my knees. It gets harder every second. But I like it. It’s for him. He deserves it. It deserves all my sacrifice. All the pain. All the passion.

I wish I could see my phone. Has it been a minute yet? 2?

My body jolts when I hear a car door close. His car door. My chest is filling up. It’s going to explode!

Panic sets in for a second… Am I ready? Am I perfect? hair, braided. Clothes, off. Toys, cleaned. Room, ready for play time. Candles, lit. Yes, it’s perfect.

The door knob rattled matching her own nerves. I force myself to keep my chin and eyes down. Hands in lap. Chest bear save for the necklace he bought me last year on our 3 year anniversary.

The door opens. Slowly. Always slowly. He knows whats happening inside of me and he loves to exploit that. Jerk. Ugh… but I love it. I can’t wait to feel his hand on my chin. Permission to me to look into those beautiful endless eyes.

He takes his time, as usual. He slowly undresses. And stands over me. I don’t know how long this goes on. My body aches so badly for his touch. But I’d just give anything to just look up at him! But I dare not sneak a peak before permission is granted. It’s ok. It makes it better. And he knows it. Oh how he loves what he does to me. Can you imagine having power over someone without even touching them? It’s haunting.

“Baby girl.” He whispers… The huskiness in his voice makes it almost inaudible at that decibel… but I know exactly what he said. I hear it in my sleep sometimes. I wake up in tears when I realize he’s not holding me. But he’s here now.

Finally! I tremble as his hand guides my gaze up to his. It never ceases to amaze me how powerful this moment is after all these years. I couldn’t live knowing this moment would never happen again. This. Like gravity… a law of physics in my life. Always, with no exception pulling me in.

As I match his gaze he gets bigger and bigger. Maybe I do hold some power after all. He taps the side of my face with his growing cock. I follow the cue and devour it. I’m instantly wet. And he instantly snaps to full size. My insides want so much. The desire within me is growing in volume that it consumes my ears… Of course in reality all that is escaping from me are the quiet moans as I take him deep into my mouth. I grab both sides of his hips with my two hands. It came out a little more forceful than I expected it to. I steal a glance at his face to see if he noticed. He most definitely did! He leans down. With one even motion he cups my elbows and lifts me off my knees and throws me onto the bed.

I let out a giggle as a wicked grin appears on his face.

——-> wait for it

May 30, 2017

My dog is sitting here starring at me. I feel like he’s waiting on me to do something. Oh never mind… he’s moved on to his bone.

I wish i felt like going upstairs and turning down the A/C… It’s kind of cold. Maybe that’t just the cold beer.

Drinking alone? Yeah. Isn’t it weird how sometimes it feels okay. and other times it doesn’t? Like today…. totally doesn’t.

Does corona smell like weed to anyone else?

seriously… it’s freezing in here. Hey, pup! Go turn that up! That’d be cool.

I need to make a list. So much to do this week. So SO SO SOSOSOSOSo much.

Each sip of this corona gets grosser and grosser. I thought it was suppose to do the opposite.

I ate too much today. I get a pass, tho, because of the holiday.

Yeah right. I never give myself a pass. I’m sitting here thinking nothing will fit tomorrow because of my stupid decision to eat. And drink.

this beer still isn’t getting any better.

Okay, so what I really wanna talk about is m. sigh. I can’t see that future so clearly anymore. Alcoholism is a bitch. Like, how many cycles do I go through before I say enough is enough? We do well. We don’t do so well. He stops drinking. we get better. he starts drinking. we get worse. we talk. he makes promises. he stops drinking. we do better. so on and so forth. the cycle of addiction.

that’s what addiction is. just a cycle. Once an addict always an addict. You never get better. you just wait for the next cycle to begin…. or this one to end.

I sat here and debated opening this beer for a solid hour before i decided upon it. I’m not the one with the problem you see. But my biggest concern right now is that he’s sitting alone somewhere right now. Does he have a drink in his hand? I hope not. But… is that hypocrisy? no. I’m not the alcoholic. I just happen to have beer left over from a memorial day celebration. So even tho i landed on opening it… I still feel like maybe I shouldn’t… in solidarity? I don’t know.

If he approached me today and admitted he had an issue i would commit to not drinking with him by his side forever and ever. FOREVER AND EVER!

People don’t love like he does. No one else will ever fill up my heart like he can. But when is enough enough? How many cycles. How much time? How can i give him up. but… how can i keep him?

classes/business start up/life

May 24, 2017

I’m 2 months into my health coach certification! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!

I’m just getting to the point where I can start looking into my real and quickly approaching future. This is going to be my new career!!

I can’t wait to help people. I can’t wait to walk with people thru their hard times and thru their life and stresses. The little things and the big things. I can’t wait to inspire them thru all of it. I want to spend the rest of my life nudging people in the direction of progress. Even if its the smallest steps… even if they are tiny steps. I am pumped about it.

I’ve spent the last 2 months enjoying the sunshine. I’ve been waking up early. Working out mid day. Listening to my course work over and over and over again. I’ve been putting some of it into practice even. Giving myself a shit ton of self love.

Did I mention the sunshine? Gah! There is so much power in the sun. It feels like healing to me. Healing something I didn’t even know needed it. I can’t believe how little stress I’ve had while being completely jobless. It’s been so great to take time for myself. Doing nothing. Doing everything. Just relaxing. Relaxing in the sun! 🙂

So I’m at the point in my certification where I can start taking on actual clients. I have two “practice” clients that I’ll start in late June. Shortly after that I hope to begin real paying clients. No… Not just hope. I WILL BE TAKING CLIENTS! EXCITING!

I’m working with a guy that is helping me with my branding. The logo he’s created is great! Very very soon I’ll have my business cards ordered. Then very shortly after that I’ve got to get those puppies circulating.

I’ve got lists and plans for dddaaayyysss…. Lol which sounds terrible, but really, it’s so not. It’s just one step in front of the other. Just gotta do it.

It’s hard… yet not. And I’m coaching myself out of the overwhelming moments… and waiting out the moments of self-doubt… and just ultimately taking it one item on my list at a time.

It’s all coming together so well and so fast. It’s better than I could’ve imagined!

Meanwhile I’ve started a part time job. I’m basically a gofer for a guy that owns his own business. I’m excited to learn from him. But the best part is how flexible the hours are. I work when I want. Couldn’t be more perfect and I couldn’t be more grateful.

So there it is! Update city!

baby girl

May 24, 2017

It hit me like ton of bricks last night… or should I say this morning. It was 3 am and what I needed hit me like a ton of bricks.

I need to be baby girl.

I need to curl up in someone’s lap and have them pet my hair and stroke my cheek and call me baby girl.

I want to collapse against daddy’s chest and know that nothing can harm me. I want a moment when I’m baby girl with no responsibility but being daddy’s good girl.

Sigh.

Here’s the thing. Life isn’t bad at all right now. There’s just a lot of stuff to do. I’m starting my own business. I’m making big decisions. I’m making things happen. I’m doing a good job. I’m forging through. One step in front of the other and it’s not that hard. It’s just a lot.

I’m catching myself self sabotaging a little. And I know now what it is. I need a moment of no decision making. I want to be broken and in a mess and just give it all up. For a few moments.

Vanilla monogamy is tough. And I was told after finding my kink passion that it would be. That sooner or later I’d miss it. That I’d crave it. And I believed them. But what i didn’t want to admit was that I might NEED it.

Do I need it? Feels like it. I know I want it. And I know I’m craving it. I know how amazing it would be to let myself play that role with someone I love and trust as daddy. It’s weird to say “play the role” when I would really be it… A little girl in need of some protection and love and attention and security.

What I wouldn’t give for a daddy dom right now.

new direction 5

March 21, 2017

So instead of giving my boss my decision about what direction we should proceed in about my “harassment”. I decided to turn in my two week notice. I was mad and sad and completely bitter about the whole thing for the first week. I told him to keep it hush/hush till I was ready to announce it. And thru the weekend I turned it around. I’m so excited. I’m not going to excuse my manager’s action, but I can see the corner I backed him into as well. I’m feeling much more at peace about the decision. And ready for the next phase in life.

I have these HOLY SHIT WHAT HAVE I DONE moments.

I quit my job. I can’t believe it. I’ve been wanting to do this for so long. Today is the my last Tuesday here. I’m so fucking excited!

I’m fucking terrified! I know this is the kick in the pants I needed to get out of this field. IT is so not me. A desk job… dealing with these men. I’m not cut out for this.

And It’s the right time. I feel like between me finding this new career I feel confident about and my manager putting me in a very uncomfortable situation, the path is so clear right now. I’ve never felt like a future was clear before. But this feels as if a path has opened up. Wellness coaching is something that I can really really get behind. I already bought into it with my own life so long ago. It really does feel perfect.

I get to inspire people for a living! WHAT?! Do you know how much sunshine and rainbows I have ready and waiting for you people??? I want to shower people with love and compliments and help people be gracious with themselves and learn how to shower themselves in love and compliments. I want to teach people how to love themselves in a new way. Teach them that they can love themselves right now in the skin they are in while improving their every day life and decision making processes.

I start my certification next Monday. It’s all online. So I’ll have plenty of time for part time, minimum wage jobs. I’m happy I have savings that allow me to do this. I’d be completely stuck here if I didn’t.

I’m ready to get on this next roller-coaster. I know it’ll be rough. I’ll be broke for a while. And I may never make what I was making, but I’ll be happy. I’ll get to work with and help people. I’ll get to believe in my own work. There’s a force driving me more than a paycheck.

It’s good. I’m happy. I’m scared. But I’m ready.

beauty

March 8, 2017

I rounded the corner to the showers in a locker room. The stall on the end had its shower curtain wide open. The woman that occupied the stall was a large (on any one’s standards) black woman.

Of course the first thing I said, “Oh! Sorry!” And quickly marched passed with my gaze down.

But I couldn’t shake what I saw.

She was BEAUTIFUL to me. All the curves. All the extra body. Her whole shape was stuck in my brain. I was so surprised at my reaction!

No, it wasn’t sexual. There was no lust here. It was pure appreciation. I loved that I found her so pretty, but this was my favorite part. An epiphany is you will.

Maybe we are all beautiful to others. Men and women. What’s the saying? We are our own worst critic? What if someone saw my flawed body and thought the same? Because I am far from in love with my naked self. Wonder how that woman feels about her body… Would it have been strange to tell her how beautiful I thought she was. LOL. Um. Yeah. Reality check. But maybe she does know… she did have that curtain pulled back… Just sayin!

new direction (4)

March 7, 2017

Dear Manager,

My co-workers and I have a perfectly professional relationship. I enjoy their comradery and they make my day brighter. I’m so fortunate to be able to spend so much of my day with each and every one of them.

I’m unable to complete my tasks for the year because I’m sub par at my job. I’m not good at reaching out for help. I work on a project and never get far enough through it before an interruption comes along. I then start all over. It’s been a bad cycle all year that I have no one to blame but myself. I should’ve stayed focused and reached out to my co-workers for help multiple times. I’ve had the opportunities. A bad review would make sense for me. I will push myself more going forward.

Also, on a completely unrelated note. I have decided to go back to school. It would be great to collect a paycheck and help these guys with on-call and other workloads while I do it. If legally that is too much of a liability then please consider this my 2 week notice.

Thank you,
Michelle
I didn’t really send this. Well, I didn’t send this yet. But that didn’t stop me from editing it and taking out sarcastic adjectives and making it PC as possible before signing it.

I do believe that I will be quitting a lot sooner than I expected. I definitely envisioned having a bigger safety net before jumping into it. I have some savings. I’m not above part time work til I’m out of school. My rent is cheap right now. I can get rid of a few monthly bills and decrease a few more. Sigh. I can trim the social calendar. This might be the push I truly need to just jump.

I’m thinking while I go to become a wellness coach training I can also get certified in personal training. And weightlifting training. I think I’d love to start a weightlifting class (or offer a special emphasis with private clients) for older beginning women that want to start lifting. Gah! That would be incredible!

Okay so I’m terrified, but I’m excited. I’m pissed, but there’s a silver lining.

Talk about a roller coaster. I feel like I stay on one.

new direction (3)

March 7, 2017

Monday rolls around. I come to work. I’m researching my options. I’ve basically decided which program I’m going to do, but I’d be a fool for not reviewing other options that take less time and less money.

I’m looking at the difference between health coach, nutritionist, dietitians. I’m looking at personal training, crossfit certs. Looking at costs, and time, and careers. I’m all over the place. But I feel great about it. I signed up for so much junk mail BUT I DON’T CARE! Bring it on.

I get another message from my boss. He’s wants to meet again. “Okay. See you in a few.”

I’m sitting across from him and the mood is not the same as when I left his comforting words last Thursday. Turns out Friday morning he attended some sort of leadership training. Completely coincidental to our conversation.

He tells me that legally he can’t do nothing. He still has to keep his goals in mind to. He still has to worry about my career progression. And if these guys are the reason I’m not doing well, he can’t idly sit on this news. He names names, which I didn’t do last week. He narrows down all that he can. He is backing me into a corner. I’m feeling closed off and defensive.

He either needs me to write them up. Put some formal complaint on paper so he can pursue a course of action through the proper channels. Or he needs to me legally release him from fault by telling another director or manager everything and telling him with a witness that I want him to do nothing… then of course he has to treat me a little harsher in the review because I just suck at my job and there’s no real reason.

I only told him everything because we prefaced with the fact that he wouldn’t do anything. I NEVER would have told him these things if I thought it left him legally obligated. I just wouldn’t have. He even agrees with me that telling the guys would make it worse. He goes from caring to covering his ass, and I completely understand but i’m also heartbroken that it has come to this.

I ask him for the rest of the week to decide. And I walk away with very few words.

I do not know what to do. And the more this becomes real the more silly I feel. What am I formally complaining about? That someone cracked a joke about a purse, lipstick, and credit cards? That I get made fun of for the dumbest things. That I have to constantly defend my actions and choices? Nothing is worthy of a report. Nothing but the sheer volume of jokes that I have to deal with. I feel silly. I should’ve just fucking let it all go and got my shit done. I’m feeling completely at fault for everything. And now I’m backed into a corner.