the shopping cart

February 11, 2018

Quick preface: I am the aunt. I’m temporarily looking after an 18 month old full time, and I get the 6 year old on the weekends. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

I use to think there were 2 kinds of people in this world. The kind of people that put up their grocery carts and the kind of people that don’t. I always thought this, and was pumped when I even read an article once! It was satisfying to have someone else (with a viral article!) that felt the same way.

What horrible creature would NOT put up their cart?! It takes no time. You prevent car dings, and if nothing else you help the staff out just a little bit. It’s the line in the sand between the considerate, good humans, and the self-centered, terrible ones, right?

I recently discovered first hand there is a third type of individual. Let’s set up the scene a bit, for those of you that are still thinking there are no excuses for not putting up the dang cart.

It was a Saturday. The night before the 18 month old slept in 2 hour increments, waking up in an explosion of tears for exactly 4 minutes each episode. Was it enough to draw me out of bed? No. But it sure as hell woke me up enough to brace myself every time. Around mid-night the 6 year old girl came crying at the foot of the bed mentioning something scary. She climbs in and takes the middle half of the bed. This bed in particular draws everything to the center. So no matter how I hold on to the edge for dear sleep it’s not happenin’. As soon as I finally secure a spot that isn’t touching her, she moves a limb as if this is her life line to have some part of my body touch her.

So here we are Saturday afternoon. Everyone is grumpy. Everyone needs sleep. Everyone wants to play, but no one wants to tolerate the other. The 6 year old doesn’t understand why the 18 month old is so cruel to have ruined her fort that she “worked so hard on”. She starts to cry. He starts to cry. Both inconsolable. My sanity is being pulled to its breaking point.

I know! We need a field trip! Distractions for everyone! And a time killer, and a to-do knocked off the list for me! She needs her hair brushed. She hates her hair brushed. More tears thru tender headed tangled tendrils. He needs a diaper change. He hates a diaper change. More tears thru a fight on the changing table. We go three full rounds, but I win. “Aha! VICTORIOUS!”

The store is 1.5 miles away, so I don’t bother packing a bag. Otherwise, that would’ve just been too much work! Also, it’s a bit drizzly out. Is it irresponsible to take kids out in the rain? But you know what would be more irresponsible. Letting me get to my breaking point and drowning too kids in the tub. So, out in the rain to the grocery store it is!

We get to the store. I put baby up front on the cart and strap him in. She stands on the back and promises not hop off. I have to enlist her help so she is actually complicit. If she doesn’t feel like an authoritative figure then she is worse than the babe. Am I an enabler to our entitled youth? Maybe. But… I’m bored to tears and NEED this outing! Priorities, people.

The baby is pleasantly curious about everything. And the kid is working so hard at holding on to the cart that the trip goes way easy! We get a few things for dinner, breakfast, and snack. We even remember the toilet paper! WOOOO! More winning!

As we are approaching the check out counter I start to feel anxiety rise. How does this normally work? Do I transfer the kids to the cart they are loading? Do I hold them/hold them still on my side of the counter? What do people normally do? I’ve never taken note of this before. This has never been my world! I approach the girl at the counter and I say, “Do I need to take him out?” Pointing at the baby. She said, “He can stay.” Phew! I tell the 6 year old she has another very important task. Stand in font of the cart making sure baby stays put. Bonus points if she makes him laugh. The transaction goes smoothly. No one is crying. No one is begging to be held. GREAT! I CAN DO THIS!

We head for the exit. Crap. The drizzling slightly intensified. Ok. We can do this. See, when I parked I parked close because of the rain. Smart, right?! So we push through. We go straight for the car at a higher speed than a sunny day would warrant. Another wave of anxiety is coming on as I’m faced with another scenario I have never thought about. Do I throw the groceries in first? Or the kids? WHAT DOES ONE DO? But my body takes over at warp speed. I throw the food in the back, along with the toilet paper. Thank goodness the 6 year old is motivated by the drizzle to figure it out on her own. I get baby strapped in. EVERYONE IS IN and everything is in too! Yes!

Crap. What about the cart? I was so worried about the kids and the rain I didn’t even think about the cart drop off, which is typically my first concern when parking at the grocery store. The cart stall is a bagillion milles away! Do I leave the kids in the car? That feels wrong. What do people do!?

I pull myself together long enough to lock the doors, and march my cart as fast as possible to the cart stall and run back to the car. It’s raining so it looks like I’m running to avoid the rain, but really I have visions of kidnapping scrolling through my mind. I get in the car. Lock the doors again. And start it up. I look back at the kids. They are doing fine. Completely calm. The complete opposite of what I’ve been doing for the past 90 seconds of panic.

We get home. No issue. We are fine. We unload the car. We? Ha! *I* unload the car. Groceries, kids, and all.

What? We only wasted an hour? Ugh.

But yeah, there’s a third type of person. The anxiety-filled, reaching-the-breaking-point caregiver in the rain. That’s the third type. Even with the best of intentions mommyhood is a legit reason to ditch the dang cart.



December 19, 2017

The day I met you my rubric for a man changed. At least in the physical sense. You became the yard stick I used subconsciously on every single man I met since. Every time you looked at me I blushed. I didn’t even attempt using words in your presence for years. Then one day at a party you picked me up. You hoisted me from the ground with ease. My breath caught, and I prayed you didn’t notice. I was so embarrassed. Later that night you kissed me. Twice. After that I tried speaking to you. I couldn’t pull full sentences together coherently. I couldn’t tell if you noticed or not. I didn’t try often. Then one day a few years later you became my coach. I saw you every single day. Words came a little easier by the day. But mostly I didn’t need them. You have a way of using enough for at least two. I don’t mind this. I’m a good listener. I found that about 85% of the conversation we were having I could hang with easily. The last 15%, tho, really scare me. I don’t know that we have much in common. Besides the time we share at the gym. I over analyze the shit out of that 15%. I’ve put myself out there two times. Both times you were dating someone. I probably won’t do that again. This whole situation is so different for me. I usually have no problem approaching my crushes, making myself known, and typically making it happen. I don’t scare easily, and I’m not shy about my feelings. But with you I can’t bring myself to do it in my normal bold fashion. You scare me. Where do my words go when I’m around you?

Dear Sir T

December 15, 2017

I know… I said a lot of good things about you in here… but this isn’t your resume. If you want to use me as a reference, have them give me a call.

life coach

December 13, 2017

I met a woman at a networking event that is a life coach. She is so energetic and lively. Her presence is HUGE.  I love this. She is addicting to be around. I’m borderline obsessed.

We met to hang out to get to know each other because our line of work is so similar. She asked if I could help her with a new program that she wanted to try out. I JUMPED on it. I believe in being coached. I KNOW it works. And I know how valuable it is. Hell, this is why i am a health coach. And i’m currently getting certified to be a life coach.

Anyway, after a session with her about building my business and working on my relationship with money she asked if I would be interested in exchanging services.

HELL YES! So now I am her health coach and she is my business coach. I could not be more excited about this. I am learning so much from her. Not to mention any accountability on my business is invaluable.


my current scene :-/

December 13, 2017

So… where am I in the bdsm scene?

My daddy/dom friggin eloped.

I’m sad mostly because I found out about this thru fucking facebook. Ugh!

I was hardly playing with him lately because of his current relationship. Him and his girlfriend opened up their relationship for him to have me (specifically just me) as a play partner as long as she knew as little as possible about when/where/details of it all. So basically he had to sneak around to make it happen… and he wasn’t good at it. And that was a hard role to play. I hated feeling like the other woman. HATED IT. So we weren’t playing very often. 😦

Then he eloped. And I’m pissed. He wants to continue, but I just don’t like this. It doesn’t feel good. And if it doesn’t feel good…. then, why do it?

So, how’s my bdsm life? Non fucking existent.

I did get back on fetlife… but there is no one impressive at all. I’ve chatted with one guy for a bit… and I MIGHT meet him now that daddy is out of the equation.

Trey… again

December 13, 2017

Me and trey decided to give the friends with benefits another go. The problem last time was that he wanted more… and I didn’t.

I love hanging with trey. I cannot emphasize this enough! And the sex is REALLY  good. Like, next level good… not sure how to explain it. We just fit so well in bed. And he touches me so well.

He’s so funny. And fun. We have a great time together.

I know what you are wondering here. Why not keep him???!

There is just that thing that is missing. I know me. I know that I need someone that will keep my attention even when someone with big biceps walks into a room. It sounds superficial… I just know that trey can’t keep my attention. It has nothing to do with him and his looks. Its just something is missing. That thing that makes someone more than a friend… ya know? The non-definable shit. Whatever. IDK I’m frustrated too, ok?

SO we decided to give it a go again.

And it was amazing. It really was. Sex was even better. Hanging out was even better. I even invited him to join me with some friends and stuff to hang out in public. Wha????

Then he started sighing while looking at me after sex. And i had a feeling that he was holding back them feels. He tried his damnedest to not say anything. But eventually he asked me to re-evaluate our relationship. He felt we were getting closer and that things might have changed with me. But… If i’m honest… while i do believe we did get closer, i don’t see our future any different than I saw it before.

😦 I had to break it off with him. I was just hurting him. And i don’t want to do that. I miss him tho. I like when he’s in my life. Wish we could find a better middle ground that wouldn’t make me the most selfish person on the planet.

I hope he finds someone awesome soon so i don’t feel tempted to pull him back in.


November 30, 2017

I went to a health and life coaching conference a few weeks ago. This thing was so life changing for me.

There I discovered that I’ve spent my entire life shutting down all the emotions coming in and out of me. Let me explain that better.

The past few years I’ve become this person that feels so much… I thought I was just because I was a female taking birth control in my late 20s. I thought this was just the hormonal dip and dive of live. Turns out… I’m just an emotional person. And I began accepting that about me a year or so ago. But I was always sorry about it. I was always wishing I was “stronger” or more “even”. I apologized for feeling and apologized even more for expressing those feelings. Good, bad, or ugly. My friends even poked fun at me because I was the “emotional one”. And again, I was apologetically emotional. All the feels. Wishing I could stifle them. Thinking that would make me a better person… a better significant other… a better friend.

At this conference I discovered that it’s not to my detriment that I feel more. It’s my GIFT! I have never looked at it this way. Like I said, I figured it was an emotional imbalance. Lol… i mean… i even blogged about my birth control hunt because the moods that were swinging. ha! But no. A gift. 🙂 Not every one is blessed enough to feel as deeply as me. But what have I been practicing my whole life?




I don’t know anything else. It’s always been my go-to. I am use to walking into large groups of people and completely shutting out the world. I claimed introvert. I made that the reason for how I became in large groups of people. But i’m not! I LOVE people. I love talking to people. I love new people. I love the connection. So why this shut down? Once I accepted this part of me it became so obvious to me. I walked into large groups of people and shut off because I was taking in way too many of other’s emotions. I was feeling too many of something else from outside of my body. My knee jerk reaction to feelings… ew! Make it stop! lol! I had no idea. Gah! I’m a fucking empath. Where did that come from??? And I can’t help but think of how ironic it is that my rational, logically mind has finally thrown its hands up and bent its knee to my true self. I am an empath.

Thru the conference as the veil was being lifted from my eyes about my gift I’d been denying I took on a new mantra. Stay Open. I fight myself constantly on just shutting down. I repeat in my mind, “Stay open.” Right now it’s a constant practice. I know it’ll come more and more natural. I not only want to accept this, but I want to harness this. I want to learn how to use this gift of reading others and being this channel for the good of others. I’ll be able to use this so much to help my clients!

I’m so fucking glad to have FINALLY accepted this about me. Since leaving this conference I’ve never felt so whole in my entire life. I’ve never felt so full. I’ve never ever felt SO BIG!

The universe is shaping me into something quite beautiful and I am open and ready to accept all of life and all the gifts it wants to grant me!

Who knew that changing my careers would be such a spiritual journey for me. I cannot express enough how much gratitude I have for this whole transformation.

It’s time to do the blog thang again :)

November 30, 2017

You ever let too much time pass on your blog that you can’t even bear to even try to catch up your followers?

I’m there.

So… long story short. I’m single. I’m in the best place I’ve ever been in. I’m excited about whats going on now and I’m excited whats in the near future!

My business is chug chugging along. It’s slow, but it’s all mine! And I’m very excited about it. I love the clients I have right now. I can’t wait to continue to gain more and more people that I can help.

I’m a Health Coach! I help people get out of the yo-yo dieting rut and people who stay stuck in restriction mode and give them the tools they need to create healthy habits that last! No more dieting! Just being consistently better with habit changes. This is life changing and I believe in this 110%. SO SO SO good.

I’ve been learning so much about myself. You guys know, I like analyzing my past and learning myself thru it. Well the past few months has been one big gold mind of learning opportunities about myself.

Blogs soon to come.

I’m an empath??

Trey… you guys remember him?

Where I am in the bdsm scene.

I’ve hired a life coach to keep me focused on building my business! Pumped about this one!

Would you look at that… I might have the energy for the catch up game after all!

mirror work continued

October 23, 2017

I’ve been doing this, but it’s clear getting it down in my blog is just not in the cards! lol

I really really like this. I’m just not sure my clients will get into it. If it’s hard for me to stick to I don’t trust they will! Ha.

But this positive energy of love is so so good. It’s not only self love but it’s encouraging something else… whats the word… um… karmic love energy? I guess what I mean is my favorite part is the meditation. And it’s always about sending out love away from yourself. The idea there is that you send out love and it comes back to you MAGNIFIED! It’s so fun walking into a space and getting into the habit of sending out love through the room. I find that my favorite place is doing it at the gym because ITS SO BIG and has so many bodies. 🙂

So I’m still doing it. Not every day. But still trucking on. And I love it. Its just a good reminder to cast away negative and actively seek positive. And when It comes to body image specifically that is an invaluable habit to practice and cultivate.

Day 2: making your mirror your friend

October 13, 2017

SO apparently the 21 day mirror work is going to take longer than 21 days. I did this a few days ago… but didn’t journal. and Definitely didn’t do day 3 yet. So, lets record day 2.

Making your mirror your friend.

Today the exercise is looking into the mirror, breathing, looking at yourself, and saying “I love you. I really really love you”. It says to say it 100 times thru the day. I think I got to like 13. :-/

Journaling exercise:

  1. What do you want that you aren’t getting?
  2. when you were growing up, what were the rules about deserving? Did you always have to earn in order to deserve? were things taken away from you when you did wrong?
    1. this one is interesting to answer. I was 1 of 5 kids. We deserved nothing. HAHA. Seriously. When we got something out of the ordinary it was a treat. I don’t think this effected me negatively except maybe that it makes question number one hard to answer. Like… what do you want that you aren’t getting? like… what else is there? lol see! That’s why its blank.
  3. Do you feel that you deserve to live? have joy?
    1. Deserve? Have i earned life and joy? I have no friggin clue! I don’t know about deserve… but living and having joy are huge gifts from the universe that I will gladly accept to their full extent!

Heart thought for the day: I am deserving.

Oh… lol I guess the answer is I DO deserve things. lol SO my little brother was right the last time we spoke about all the wonderful :-/ guys I’ve been choosing for myself.

Mediation thought of the day: envision yourself standing in a safe place and saying that I am open and receptive – declaring what i want and what i don’t want. See myself whole and happy and healthy at peace and filled with love. Let the love go thru me and out of me and back to me.

I did this a few days ago… Every room I stepped into I sent out love. I loved it. The gym is a big room to fill! lol

We can choose to circle ourselves with hate or love in this world… why on god’s green earth would we choose hate.

“See the world becoming an incredible circle of love. And so it is.”