Dear Sir T

December 15, 2017

I know… I said a lot of good things about you in here… but this isn’t your resume. If you want to use me as a reference, have them give me a call.

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life coach

December 13, 2017

I met a woman at a networking event that is a life coach. She is so energetic and lively. Her presence is HUGE.  I love this. She is addicting to be around. I’m borderline obsessed.

We met to hang out to get to know each other because our line of work is so similar. She asked if I could help her with a new program that she wanted to try out. I JUMPED on it. I believe in being coached. I KNOW it works. And I know how valuable it is. Hell, this is why i am a health coach. And i’m currently getting certified to be a life coach.

Anyway, after a session with her about building my business and working on my relationship with money she asked if I would be interested in exchanging services.

HELL YES! So now I am her health coach and she is my business coach. I could not be more excited about this. I am learning so much from her. Not to mention any accountability on my business is invaluable.

PUMPED!

my current scene :-/

December 13, 2017

So… where am I in the bdsm scene?

My daddy/dom friggin eloped.

I’m sad mostly because I found out about this thru fucking facebook. Ugh!

I was hardly playing with him lately because of his current relationship. Him and his girlfriend opened up their relationship for him to have me (specifically just me) as a play partner as long as she knew as little as possible about when/where/details of it all. So basically he had to sneak around to make it happen… and he wasn’t good at it. And that was a hard role to play. I hated feeling like the other woman. HATED IT. So we weren’t playing very often. 😦

Then he eloped. And I’m pissed. He wants to continue, but I just don’t like this. It doesn’t feel good. And if it doesn’t feel good…. then, why do it?

So, how’s my bdsm life? Non fucking existent.

I did get back on fetlife… but there is no one impressive at all. I’ve chatted with one guy for a bit… and I MIGHT meet him now that daddy is out of the equation.

Trey… again

December 13, 2017

Me and trey decided to give the friends with benefits another go. The problem last time was that he wanted more… and I didn’t.

I love hanging with trey. I cannot emphasize this enough! And the sex is REALLY  good. Like, next level good… not sure how to explain it. We just fit so well in bed. And he touches me so well.

He’s so funny. And fun. We have a great time together.

I know what you are wondering here. Why not keep him???!

There is just that thing that is missing. I know me. I know that I need someone that will keep my attention even when someone with big biceps walks into a room. It sounds superficial… I just know that trey can’t keep my attention. It has nothing to do with him and his looks. Its just something is missing. That thing that makes someone more than a friend… ya know? The non-definable shit. Whatever. IDK I’m frustrated too, ok?

SO we decided to give it a go again.

And it was amazing. It really was. Sex was even better. Hanging out was even better. I even invited him to join me with some friends and stuff to hang out in public. Wha????

Then he started sighing while looking at me after sex. And i had a feeling that he was holding back them feels. He tried his damnedest to not say anything. But eventually he asked me to re-evaluate our relationship. He felt we were getting closer and that things might have changed with me. But… If i’m honest… while i do believe we did get closer, i don’t see our future any different than I saw it before.

😦 I had to break it off with him. I was just hurting him. And i don’t want to do that. I miss him tho. I like when he’s in my life. Wish we could find a better middle ground that wouldn’t make me the most selfish person on the planet.

I hope he finds someone awesome soon so i don’t feel tempted to pull him back in.

Open

November 30, 2017

I went to a health and life coaching conference a few weeks ago. This thing was so life changing for me.

There I discovered that I’ve spent my entire life shutting down all the emotions coming in and out of me. Let me explain that better.

The past few years I’ve become this person that feels so much… I thought I was just because I was a female taking birth control in my late 20s. I thought this was just the hormonal dip and dive of live. Turns out… I’m just an emotional person. And I began accepting that about me a year or so ago. But I was always sorry about it. I was always wishing I was “stronger” or more “even”. I apologized for feeling and apologized even more for expressing those feelings. Good, bad, or ugly. My friends even poked fun at me because I was the “emotional one”. And again, I was apologetically emotional. All the feels. Wishing I could stifle them. Thinking that would make me a better person… a better significant other… a better friend.

At this conference I discovered that it’s not to my detriment that I feel more. It’s my GIFT! I have never looked at it this way. Like I said, I figured it was an emotional imbalance. Lol… i mean… i even blogged about my birth control hunt because the moods that were swinging. ha! But no. A gift. 🙂 Not every one is blessed enough to feel as deeply as me. But what have I been practicing my whole life?

Shutting

it

off.

I don’t know anything else. It’s always been my go-to. I am use to walking into large groups of people and completely shutting out the world. I claimed introvert. I made that the reason for how I became in large groups of people. But i’m not! I LOVE people. I love talking to people. I love new people. I love the connection. So why this shut down? Once I accepted this part of me it became so obvious to me. I walked into large groups of people and shut off because I was taking in way too many of other’s emotions. I was feeling too many of something else from outside of my body. My knee jerk reaction to feelings… ew! Make it stop! lol! I had no idea. Gah! I’m a fucking empath. Where did that come from??? And I can’t help but think of how ironic it is that my rational, logically mind has finally thrown its hands up and bent its knee to my true self. I am an empath.

Thru the conference as the veil was being lifted from my eyes about my gift I’d been denying I took on a new mantra. Stay Open. I fight myself constantly on just shutting down. I repeat in my mind, “Stay open.” Right now it’s a constant practice. I know it’ll come more and more natural. I not only want to accept this, but I want to harness this. I want to learn how to use this gift of reading others and being this channel for the good of others. I’ll be able to use this so much to help my clients!

I’m so fucking glad to have FINALLY accepted this about me. Since leaving this conference I’ve never felt so whole in my entire life. I’ve never felt so full. I’ve never ever felt SO BIG!

The universe is shaping me into something quite beautiful and I am open and ready to accept all of life and all the gifts it wants to grant me!

Who knew that changing my careers would be such a spiritual journey for me. I cannot express enough how much gratitude I have for this whole transformation.

It’s time to do the blog thang again :)

November 30, 2017

You ever let too much time pass on your blog that you can’t even bear to even try to catch up your followers?

I’m there.

So… long story short. I’m single. I’m in the best place I’ve ever been in. I’m excited about whats going on now and I’m excited whats in the near future!

My business is chug chugging along. It’s slow, but it’s all mine! And I’m very excited about it. I love the clients I have right now. I can’t wait to continue to gain more and more people that I can help.

I’m a Health Coach! I help people get out of the yo-yo dieting rut and people who stay stuck in restriction mode and give them the tools they need to create healthy habits that last! No more dieting! Just being consistently better with habit changes. This is life changing and I believe in this 110%. SO SO SO good.

I’ve been learning so much about myself. You guys know, I like analyzing my past and learning myself thru it. Well the past few months has been one big gold mind of learning opportunities about myself.

Blogs soon to come.

I’m an empath??

Trey… you guys remember him?

Where I am in the bdsm scene.

I’ve hired a life coach to keep me focused on building my business! Pumped about this one!

Would you look at that… I might have the energy for the catch up game after all!

mirror work continued

October 23, 2017

I’ve been doing this, but it’s clear getting it down in my blog is just not in the cards! lol

I really really like this. I’m just not sure my clients will get into it. If it’s hard for me to stick to I don’t trust they will! Ha.

But this positive energy of love is so so good. It’s not only self love but it’s encouraging something else… whats the word… um… karmic love energy? I guess what I mean is my favorite part is the meditation. And it’s always about sending out love away from yourself. The idea there is that you send out love and it comes back to you MAGNIFIED! It’s so fun walking into a space and getting into the habit of sending out love through the room. I find that my favorite place is doing it at the gym because ITS SO BIG and has so many bodies. 🙂

So I’m still doing it. Not every day. But still trucking on. And I love it. Its just a good reminder to cast away negative and actively seek positive. And when It comes to body image specifically that is an invaluable habit to practice and cultivate.

Day 2: making your mirror your friend

October 13, 2017

SO apparently the 21 day mirror work is going to take longer than 21 days. I did this a few days ago… but didn’t journal. and Definitely didn’t do day 3 yet. So, lets record day 2.

Making your mirror your friend.

Today the exercise is looking into the mirror, breathing, looking at yourself, and saying “I love you. I really really love you”. It says to say it 100 times thru the day. I think I got to like 13. :-/

Journaling exercise:

  1. What do you want that you aren’t getting?
  2. when you were growing up, what were the rules about deserving? Did you always have to earn in order to deserve? were things taken away from you when you did wrong?
    1. this one is interesting to answer. I was 1 of 5 kids. We deserved nothing. HAHA. Seriously. When we got something out of the ordinary it was a treat. I don’t think this effected me negatively except maybe that it makes question number one hard to answer. Like… what do you want that you aren’t getting? like… what else is there? lol see! That’s why its blank.
  3. Do you feel that you deserve to live? have joy?
    1. Deserve? Have i earned life and joy? I have no friggin clue! I don’t know about deserve… but living and having joy are huge gifts from the universe that I will gladly accept to their full extent!

Heart thought for the day: I am deserving.

Oh… lol I guess the answer is I DO deserve things. lol SO my little brother was right the last time we spoke about all the wonderful :-/ guys I’ve been choosing for myself.

Mediation thought of the day: envision yourself standing in a safe place and saying that I am open and receptive – declaring what i want and what i don’t want. See myself whole and happy and healthy at peace and filled with love. Let the love go thru me and out of me and back to me.

I did this a few days ago… Every room I stepped into I sent out love. I loved it. The gym is a big room to fill! lol

We can choose to circle ourselves with hate or love in this world… why on god’s green earth would we choose hate.

“See the world becoming an incredible circle of love. And so it is.”

personal boundaries

October 10, 2017

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. You know how when you pray for patience you should expect the opportunity to practice it instead of just being given good patience magically? Well as soon as I put this intention about my boundaries out into the universe the universe handed me a boatload of opportunities to stick up for myself. 

I had a guy that abasically assaulted me years ago call me. Ok… So that one was easy… But the universe knew I needed a softball to get my feet wet. Then another guy that use to be a playmate asked to scene with me, and I was able to shut him down because of his current relationship status. I wasn’t interested in being the chick on the side even if it was just to scene with. 

All those were just practice for this one tho… My father. Specifically his girlfriend. A girl that is younger than me and hooked on drugs. I’m the only one out of all my siblings that will even allow this girl in my current place of residency. They came over and stayed the night. She ended up stealing some of my clothes. There’s a huge long back story to all this that I don’t have the energy to go into, but I finally did it. I cut my father off. Well, until he ditches the addict. I know I know.  You might say the heart wants what it wants, but my father does not want this chick. If she made him happy this would be a different story. He keeps telling me he feels trapped. And she’s abusive. But that’s all part of that long back story. It’s unhealthy and I can no longer be in support of it. And stealing my clothes… Ugh. Maybe I’ll go in to more detail at another time. Sigh. 

Anyway. Somehow the universe gave me a fuse just short enough to be able to build some much needed walls. 

It’s interesting to me… I’m so gracious with people. And for the most part I love this about me. It makes me unique. It’s my super power and why I’m such a good friend. But lately I’ve just been railroaded because of it. Gracious to a fucking fault. Which is sad because like I said I really like this about me. Usually. I know there’s a balance… I need to take this gift I have and make it a better art form. Sprinkle in some discernment. And make sure I am kept safe while being the best me possible.

Mirror work – Day 1

October 10, 2017

Image resultOkay, so I’ve decided to start this today. Day 1!

Day 1 Loving Yourself:

Day 1 exercise is to stand in front of the mirror and look into your eyes. Take a deep breath, and say ” I want to like you. I want to really learn to love you. Let’s go for it and really have some fun.”  Then take a deep breath and say “I’m learning to really like you. I’m learning to really love you.” Keep taking deep breaths and keep looking into your eyes. “I’m willing to learn to love you, michelle. I’m willing to learn to love you.” Throughout the day as you catch yourself in a reflection any where you repeat all this. Even if you have to do it silently in public.

Let me pause and do that….

Besides feeling a bit on the crazy side by talking to myself to myself in a mirror…. witnessing first hand how crazy I kind of sort of look and definitely feel… It wasn’t too bad. Truth is I don’t hate myself at all. I’m in a really good place. I’m taking care of me and I’m quite literally the healthiest and strongest I’ve ever been. But I do know that I can benefit from going even deeper with my relationship to my reflection. I’m very very excited about this.

The power is within you: journal exercise for day 1

1: How did you feel after your morning exercise for day 1? I felt more silly than anything.

2: 6 hours later – how’d it go…. any thoughts?…. Did you believe yourself? I noticed that i really like the color of my eyes. It’s funny the things you don’t take time to appreciate. Yeah, i believe it for sure.

3. Keep track of changes in behavior. did the exercise become easier or harder? I didn’t notice a whole lot of change. I think it got easier.

4. what did i learn today? Hm… I don’t know yet. But there is something interesting about looking into your own eyes. Can’t quite name it yet.

Heart thought for the day: I am open and receptive [to the fact that i deserve good].

Meditation for the day:

I listened to this. It mainly talks about love. But it begins with a statement that i really really liked. First it states that we all deserve to be happy and healthy and loved. Then it says something that took off a lot of pressure that i didn’t even realize was there. It said that I don’t have to believe it. I don’t even have to accept it. Wow. Maybe I believe it less than I thought. I will say it was nice to know its okay not to believe it…. YET. I’m going to go out today and shower love on EVERYTHING. Including myself 🙂

Day 1 done. I’m really looking forward to the rest of this! I think it’ll be a great tool for me and for my clients down the road.